James Murdoch denies reading resignation email

FORGETFUL former BSkyB chairman James Murdoch has claimed he had no idea he had resigned.

The Prince Edward of the Murdoch dynasty was startled by reporters outside his office yesterday and needed several minutes to quickly check through his Blackberry, once his assistant had told him where it was, to work out what they were talking about.

Murdoch said “It appears that for the good of the company I work for, whose name escapes me, it was apparently decided at some point it would be best for me to relinquish whatever my duties were.

“I would ask that the press respect my privacy at what I’m told will be a difficult time and allow my former employers to continue their fine work in whatever it is they do.

“Television? Really? I thought we made fridges or something. I was given an information pack when I started but I just sort of skimmed through it.”

Murdoch will now look for employment elsewhere and his ability to deny any knowledge of serious criminality in the firm he works for has drawn interest from a number of oil companies.

Opinion is divided in business circles whether his look of confused surprise throughout the inquiries into phone hacking was the result of carefully­ orchestrated dissembling or genuine idiocy, but both are valued assets in the petrochemical industry.

Murdoch said “I’d like some time with my family – which I’m sure involves a wife and some little people running around the place that I presume are my kids – to think about my next move.

“Now. Where did I park my car?”



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Totally inept losers confident they can lock down the internet

A GOVERNMENT that can barely send an email has unveiled somewhat ambitious plans to rule the web with an iron fist.

Bolstered by successfully bungling an imaginary fuel crisis and impressively failing to deliver a hot snack reference, the coalition feels it is ready to exert total control over an enormously complicated and abstract network of lightning-fast electronic information.

Prime minister David Cameron, who still uses an AOL email account, said: “The internet is just a bunch of computers connected with wire, like a slightly more elaborate version of those baked-bean-can-and-string pretend telephones we used to make as kids.

“So spying on pretty much everything that happens on it will be a piece of piss.”

Civil rights campaigner Nikki Hollis said: “On the one hand, it’s deeply worrying that the government is seeking to create a surveillance culture that encompasses spying on all digital media.

“On the other, that same government would struggle to arrange a children’s party if provided with a clown, a bouncy castle, some children and an unlimited supply of jelly.

“So it’s hard to say whether we should be worried or mildly amused.”

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “I have a total understanding of the internet. I’ve actually got it on my computer.

“Well, not the actual one in my office, but the shared computer in the meeting room we use to play games at lunchtime.”

May further defended the plans by barking the new government slogan ‘Paedo 9/11′ in response to questions and has commissioned a children’s cartoon where ‘Blinky’ the security eye helps people find lost car keys in a bid to make it less terrifying,

May added: “It’s a well known fact that anybody planning to do something unspeakable, either with a bomb or their own penis, will chat about it at length with lots of other people using their own home computer and phone.

“Paedo 9/11.”