Jobseekers to face sanctions if they don't appear in Channel 5 documentaries 

PEOPLE claiming benefits are to face sanctions if they do not appear in a Channel 5 documentary about unemployed people.

Anyone claiming Jobseekers allowance for more than two weeks will now have their money stopped altogether unless they appear in Dole Scum on the Run or I’ve Got Five Kids So You Should Probably Vote Tory.

Jobseeker, Donna Sheridan said: “They told me if I don’t turn up for filming on Monday morning in tracksuit bottoms, smoking a fag and drinking a 35p energy drink then they’re going to stop my money.

“I told them I don’t smoke or like energy drinks but they said they’ll happily pay for them.”

Fellow jobseeker Martin Bishop added: “I got a letter telling me to appear in a disgustingly bad taste documentary aimed at Tory voters who need to be reassured that everyone claiming unemployment benefit is a scrounger out to screw the system.”

A spokesman for Channel 5 said: “Obviously, in the past we’ve mostly been known for putting out soft-core porn on a Friday night but if you look past that, we do have a very strong moral compass.”

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Today is the perfect day to crap on the carpet, decides dog

A NEW carpet has given a family dog a fresh sense of purpose in life, it has emerged.

A combination of the lovely weather and the carpet – which is pure wool and a light, oatmeal colour – has instilled four-year-old Logan with a sense of ambition missing since his days as a puppy.

The carpet is unmarked and his owners have banned anyone walking on it wearing shoes in case ‘they bring something in from outside’, which Logan confirmed was ‘a new and exciting challenge’.

He added: “A wise man once said that the purpose of life is to seek fulfilment and happiness. And this will most certainly do at least one of those.

“The sun is streaming through the window. It’s a lovely day to be alive, to dream, to plan the future, and to heave a steaming pile of shit right in the middle of this expensive carpet.

“I know I’m supposed to go outside to do this, but what is life without a smidgen of variety?”