Total clusterf**k is Britain’s best hope

A HUNG parliament in which no politician can achieve any of their policy goals is what Britain is really keeping its fingers crossed for right now.

Across the country, voters are pinning their hopes on no party achieving a majority, leaders refusing to form a coalition, and the delicate machinery of government basically having a live cow shoved into it.

Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “May out of power is definitely the key aim, but also everyone else out of power. Keep the reins of power well away from the fucking lot of them.

“All the party leaders would resign, all the parties would collapse, Brexit talks would be put on hold by the EU on compassionate grounds, and maybe in a few years we’d have an election if they’d found candidates that weren’t cocks.

“Yep, an absolute fucking six-way car crash followed by total paralysis. That’s the dream right now.”

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Reluctant locals forced to participate in cheese rolling

UNWILLING Gloucestershire residents have been made to chase a wheel of cheese down a hill by Londoners wanting to see authentic rural life.

To the chagrin of the locals, they were forced to recreate their proud tradition of risking life and limb running down a near-vertical gradient in pursuit of cheese for the amusement of weekend visitors.

Tom Logan of Stroud said: “We don’t actually do stuff like this any more. I’m an IT consultant.

“If I need cheese I just go to Tesco. Even a really big cheese doesn’t excite me to the point where I’d be willing to break an ankle.

“But they said we had to, and they’re rich, and if they sold up property values round here would collapse, so we all chased a cheese down a hill and my solicitor’s fractured two vertebrae.”

Futures trader Julian Cook said: “It’s so wonderful that they keep these traditions alive so we can turn up and feel vastly superior to them.

“Come on, I hear in the next county over they do bog-snorkelling.”