Johnny machine in rural pub longing for human contact

A CONDOM machine in a village pub longs for the touch of a human hand, it has confirmed.

The 1998 V200 model claims not to have had meaningful contact for over seven years, with the last purchase being made by a drunk trying to buy cigarettes.

The machine said: “People are put off because I have those knobs that you have to pull out like you’re starting a lawnmower, but I’ve got so much to offer. Colours, flavours, French ticklers.

“Do people still call them ‘French ticklers’? It’s been so long. All I want is to feel someone next to me.”

Landlord Tom Booker said: “Most of the coins in there will be out of circulation by now. I suppose I should take all those out of date johnnies out, though, in case I end up with a lawsuit. Maybe tomorrow.”

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'I just can’t seem to lose weight' says man drinking 15th pint of week

A MAN has complained about his inability to lose weight, midway through his 15th pint of the week.

Health fanatic Martin Bishop, 30, said “No matter what type of diet or exercise I follow, I never seem to be able to lose those few extra pounds”, before pausing to take another sip.

“In particular I can’t seem to shift this portly belly that just sort of juts out like a miserable pregnancy.

“It can’t be my diet. I always choose whatever the healthiest thing is on the pub menu.”

He added: “I guess it’s just a genetic thing, my Dad had the same problem with his weight. Or maybe society just needs to accept this is who I am and that my body shape is as valid as – sorry yes, another IPA please – as anyone else’s.

“I’m going to start some sort of campaign.”