A CONDOM machine in a village pub longs for the touch of a human hand, it has confirmed.
The 1998 V200 model claims not to have had meaningful contact for over seven years, with the last purchase being made by a drunk trying to buy cigarettes.
The machine said: “People are put off because I have those knobs that you have to pull out like you’re starting a lawnmower, but I’ve got so much to offer. Colours, flavours, French ticklers.
“Do people still call them ‘French ticklers’? It’s been so long. All I want is to feel someone next to me.”
Landlord Tom Booker said: “Most of the coins in there will be out of circulation by now. I suppose I should take all those out of date johnnies out, though, in case I end up with a lawsuit. Maybe tomorrow.”