THE 17 year-old winner of The Junior Apprentice has been urged to grab a two litre bottle of cider and a copy of Porky’s, the 1980s high school romp, before he turns into an irretrievable tosspot.
Arjun Rajyagor won the title after impressing Lord Sugar with a smart, simple presentation on marketing water to busy professionals which sent a shiver down the spine of every decent person in Britain.
Tom Logan, from the Institute for Studies, said: “We’ve banned smoking in pubs but we’ll stand idly by and let the BBC and the Chief Spiv lure impressionable children into a worthless, money-grubbing life full of corporate lies and marketing bullshit.
“We should have television programmes to see which teenager can have the most sex in one 24 hour period while expressing a torrent of hilariously stupid, ill-informed opinions about big serious subjects.
“We should have programmes to see who is the best at rolling joints, blowing smoke rings and making improvised cocktails from the contents of their parents drinks cabinet, a jug of Ribena and a pint of yoghurt.”
He added: “A culture that encourages 17 year-olds to try and impress Alan Sugar is a culture that needs to be cleansed with fire.”
Julian Cook, a part-time something or other from Finsbury Park, added: “When I was 17 I was in the middle of my transition phase from Strongbow to Foster’s and wanting to have sex with every single woman in the world.
“I was re-watching the bit where you find out why the gym teacher, played Sex and the City‘s Kim Cattrall, is nicknamed ‘Lassie’.
“I was not dressed up in a little suit and getting all nervous about presenting a fictional marketing strategy to the man who developed the Amstrad emailer.”
He added: “In the world.”