DRUG abusers are to be renamed ‘heroin buffs’ in recognition of their in-depth knowledge and appreciation of the world’s finest narcotics.
The UK Drug Policy Commission said terms like ‘junkie’ and ‘addict’ stigmatise decent, productive members of society who live ankle deep in vomit and would stab you right in the head for 50 pence.
Deputy director, Julian Cook, said: “In the same way that Dan Snow is a history buff or Rick Stein is really into haddock, can we not also apply the mantel of buff to someone who has taken the time and effort to develop a connoisseur’s palate for opium derivatives?
“We should acknowledge the intellectual commitment and passion of those have decided to live in a cesspit, eat nothing but their own scabs and inject themselves eight times a day with a needle they found stuck up a dead rat.”
He added: “I recently met an expert who could not only distinguish between Afghan and Burmese heroin, but could tell you when it was harvested, who mixed it with Vim and how many heads the local warlord had hacked off that year.
“But where’s his six-part series on BBC4?”
Stephen Malley, a crack aficionado from Hatfield said: “I’ve been building up my collection of antique pipes for 20 years. This one was hand made in 1867 by Martin Van Hegelen, one of the finest glass blowers in Rotterdam. It’s really quite exquisite and gets me totally fucking mental bastard off my tits.
“By the way, if I throw up blood on you, please do forgive me but I’m researching an article on some fucked-up Cambodian shit for the London Review of Smack.”
Wayne Hayes, who lives in Stephen Malley’s bath, added: “I am hoping to complete my Master of Heroin exams later this year and then take up a fellowship at the Doherty Institute in Kandahar.
“Or I might just keep filling this bath with piss.”