Just ask for a pay rise: the government's solution to falling wages

SO what if UK wages have been hit by soaring inflation? Get around yet another financial catastrophe with this governmental advice.

Just ask for a pay rise

It’s not a big deal that wages have not kept up with price rises. Simply kick open the door to your boss’ office, show them the bad news on your phone, then ask for a 20 grand pay rise. They’re bound to see your point of view, pick up the blower and ask HR to add a few extra zeroes onto the end of your pay packet. Problem solved.

Move in with your parents

Struggling to afford your recently doubled rent, let alone massive utility bills? Save some money by moving back in with your parents, who have had to move back in with your grandparents if they’re still alive. You’ll all be like one big happy Victorian pauper family as you huddle around a candle for warmth.

Cancel your Netflix account

The £10.99 a month you’re shelling out for Netflix is the source of all your financial misery. It’s why you can’t afford a house deposit or the £5,300 energy bill headed your way. The government’s doing all it can by begrudgingly giving you a grant of f**k all, so it’s time you pulled your weight by sacrificing one of the few joys left in your life.

Get another job

Yes, you’re working a poorly-paid day job, and then you spend your evenings at your even worse paid second job, but you could still be doing more. There must be a way you can monetise your sleep or unprofitable bathroom breaks, surely? The internet’s full of weirdos who would pay good money to watch that stuff.

Work for an energy company

Have you seen how much money they’re earning in bonuses? Even if you only worked there for a couple of months you’d probably be set for life. And how hard can it be to sit in an office and look at a graph where the profit line is vertical and extends through the ceiling? Email them your CV and then put your feet up.

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Six excellent pet names if you're a dickhead

THINK it’s funny to be the kind of bellend who gives your pet a ‘creative’ name which will embarrass the vet? Try these:

Sir Horatio Pussington McKittingley III

Wow, aren’t you hilarious giving your cat an incredibly long name suggesting he’s an 18th century sea captain or something? But what’s really funny is that you and everyone else will be calling him ‘Puss’ within ten minutes of his stupidly elaborate naming ceremony which you film for TikTok, you twat.


You’ve wittily chosen a dull human name for your fussy little chihuahua, which is amusing for a while but you begin to regret it when you realise he’s going to live for up to fifteen years and you’re saddled with a f**king boring name for the entire time.


Even worse than picking a generic human name for a dog is picking a generic dog name. As well as having a Labradoodle named Bella, you probably have children called Olivia and Jack, a house with a tasteful grey interior, a Land Rover Evoque and a ‘Live, laugh, love’ cushion on your sofa. In other words, no imagination.

Princess Twilight Sparkle

You let your nine year-old daughter name the kitten back in 2010 and it seemed cutely appropriate for them both. Now your daughter has left home and the cat is a gnarly old thing with torn ears and missing teeth. Also, you’ve spent the last decade wondering if everyone in the vet’s waiting room thinks you’re a Bronie when Princess Twilight Sparkle’s name is called out in full, every sodding time.

The Bastard

That cute little bunny is going to be the opposite of a bastard, you think, smiling to yourself as you give it this ironic moniker on the way home from the pet shop. Unfortunately it turns out to bite, scratch, chew cables and generally be the epitome of a bastard, so the joke is on you.

Adolf Hitler

What could be more fun than making the veterinary nurse call out ‘Adolf Hitler’ in a roomful of people? Well, as far as the vet is concerned, it’s rinsing you for thousands of pounds worth of unnecessary treatments, you stupid prick.