QUICK-THINKING Labour leader Keir Starmer reassured a drowning man that he was looking at fully-costed plans to rescue him in the months to come.
While buying a sandwich near Labour HQ, Starmer saw Tom Logan struggling in the Thames, and immediately realised he must act cautiously in a way that did not upset the right-wing press.
Starmer said: “I told him to tread water as best he could, and I’d draw up anti-drowning plans that would make a real difference to his circumstances before the winter.
“I’d have liked to have thrown him the life ring that was just nearby, but that could have left me open to accusations of profligacy by the Tories. The last thing we need is a repeat of Liam Byrne’s ‘There is no money’ gaffe.
“I’d prefer to give each drowning person half a life ring each, even if it fills with water. It’s sensible economics, and something I will raise in policy discussions over the coming months.”
Logan, who was rescued by a tourist boat in the nick of time, said: “I was shouting ‘Help me, help me now!’ but he said he needed to ‘check the optics’ with a focus group first.
“I was about to go under and screamed ‘Just do what needs to be done!’. He said ‘Don’t worry, the Labour Party are on the side of hard-pressed working families who pay tax’. Then he walked off.”