Starmer to throw drowning man half a life ring at some point in future

QUICK-THINKING Labour leader Keir Starmer reassured a drowning man that he was looking at fully-costed plans to rescue him in the months to come.

While buying a sandwich near Labour HQ, Starmer saw Tom Logan struggling in the Thames, and immediately realised he must act cautiously in a way that did not upset the right-wing press.

Starmer said: “I told him to tread water as best he could, and I’d draw up anti-drowning plans that would make a real difference to his circumstances before the winter.

“I’d have liked to have thrown him the life ring that was just nearby, but that could have left me open to accusations of profligacy by the Tories. The last thing we need is a repeat of Liam Byrne’s ‘There is no money’ gaffe.

“I’d prefer to give each drowning person half a life ring each, even if it fills with water. It’s sensible economics, and something I will raise in policy discussions over the coming months.”

Logan, who was rescued by a tourist boat in the nick of time, said: “I was shouting ‘Help me, help me now!’ but he said he needed to ‘check the optics’ with a focus group first.

“I was about to go under and screamed ‘Just do what needs to be done!’. He said ‘Don’t worry, the Labour Party are on the side of hard-pressed working families who pay tax’. Then he walked off.”

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Why free tampons are the end of human civilisation. By Roy Hobbs

SO. It’s happened. In a move sure to spread like bubonic plague, Scotland has decided to make period products free in a final victory for the feminazi stormtroopers of woke.

Schools and council buildings will be giving away sanitary towels like there’s no tomorrow. And soon women in the rest of the UK will want their own period bonanza too. Monkey see, monkey want to insert free tampons, as they say.

Men don’t get free razors, and not shaving is exactly the same as a discharge of menstrual blood. The worst thing though is turning men into second-class citizens. All because we’ve got a penis, although I expect feminists would like to chop that off in the name of ‘equality’ so we all have to sit down on the loo.

What next? Free cars, free clothes, free holidays? Will women get free houses, while men have to pay a mortgage? Or are not allowed to own a house at all? It’s a slippery slope – first it’s sanitary towels, then it’s concentration camps.

And who’s paying for this? Men, who earn more than women anyway. Have women thought what happens when the economy’s in ruins thanks to frittering our wealth on expensive sanitary products? No, because they don’t have logical brains. That’s just a scientific fact.

As women in every nation demand free tampons, the global economy will crash and we’ll return to the Dark Ages. Our gleaming modern cities – built by men – will be overgrown ruins while mankind is reduced to subsistence farming and wolves take the sick and dying.

In this age of tampon tyranny it’s only a matter of time before female police officers turn up on my doorstep with a dress, and say: ‘Wear this, Mr Hobbs, and report for your surgery in a week’s time.’ Yes, I actually believe that.