Karen Matthews Breeding 'Unforeseeable', Say Social Services

NOBODY could have reasonably predicted that somebody would want to have sex with Karen Matthews, according to a new report.

Kirklees social services have been cleared of any wrongdoing in the Shannon Matthews case after the investigation laid the blame at several men who mistook the fraudulent kidnapper for a woman.

Review board member Nikki Hollis said: “Shannon’s very existence proves that there is at least 10 times more Kestrel lager in the world than previously thought.

“For most men, seeing Karen Matthews moving in next door would be their cue to ring Foxtons and start packing up their belongings immediately.

“What could not be foreseen is someone getting a sweaty dough-on at the thought of rolling around on her ash-strewn mattress.

“Sorry, I’ve just thrown up in my mouth.”

The review has recommended that social workers be trained in the threshold level of attractiveness of unemployed women before their male counterparts would prefer to simply oil up a sofa cushion instead.

Newly-qualified workers would be shown a series of photos and asked to assess how many cans of Kestrel Super would be needed before one of their clients would put down their Xbox controller and perform the traditional act of underclass foreplay by sliding off their tracksuit bottoms.

Hollis added: “It’s a sliding scale, with Leanne Battersby at the top, and Lizzie Bardsley at the bottom. We were going to throw Cerys Matthews in there as well, but we don’t want to scare people away.”


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Queen To Put Balls In Her Mouth For First Time Since 1957

THE Queen is to put some balls in her mouth for the first time in more than 50 years, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

The sovereign will end her five decade moratorium at Windsor Castle tonight, during a private dinner party to mark the start of Royal Ascot.

A Palace spokesman said: “The absence of balls from the Queen’s mouth was very much a practical measure. But of course now she can take her teeth out.

“Tonight’s occasion will allow Her Majesty to fill her mouth with balls in an intimate setting surrounded by 26 of her closest friends.”

Royal historian, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “The last time the Queen put balls in her mouth was on Boxing Day at Sandringham in 1957.

“An ailing Sir Winston Churchill had joined the Royal Family for Christmas that year and was of course delighted to see the young Queen’s mouth filled with balls.”

He added: “But sadly it was to be the last time. Soon after the Queen met with the Privy Council and asked whether she could continue to fulfil her constitutional duties and put balls in her mouth on a regular basis.

“Sir Winston urged her to press ahead but ultimately it was felt that for the sake of the Commonwealth the young monarch should maintain a good set of natural teeth and so she had to accept that being Queen was simply not compatible with filling your mouth with balls every Saturday night.

“Now that her schedule is less frenetic, her teeth are gone and her mouth is a lot wider, she can finally rediscover one of the great passions of her youth.”

He added: “Despite Her Majesty’s typically admirable self-denial, she has been able to pass on a love of having balls in your mouth to her children.

“Particularly Prince Edward.”