FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste their time asking a
series of annoying, smart-arse questions, researchers have discovered.
The Institute for Studies found that children who consume a healthy diet of fatty, processed food are quieter and more co-operative than the mouthy, jumped-up little shits who want to know exactly where their broccoli came from.
Researchers studied 1200 children across the UK and found that the fat children would finish their plate of chicken drumshapes and go and sit quietly in front of the television while children who ate cabbage would follow their parents around all day with a list of tedious questions about politics and the environment.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We found that the fat children and everyone who came into contact with them were up to 95% happier.
“These children’s brains are beautifully uncluttered, their parents blissfully undisturbed and everyone who sees them instantly breaks into the broad smile that invariably accompanies the sight of a roly-poly child.
“The most probing question a fat child will is ask ‘can you lift me up to see if I’m sitting on the remote control?’.
“Meanwhile the smart-arse cabbage eaters are filled with incessant ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ and grow up into unhappy, interfering, Guardian reading bastards who cannot shut their fucking faces for two minutes without some opinion falling out of it like a turd.”
Teacher Julian Cook said: “I bloody love fat kids. All glassy eyed and docile. It’s like teaching a cow.
“Whenever I see a hand in the air I know immediately that it belongs to some rosy-cheeked, twinkly-eyed little fucker who’s just had a tangerine.”
Professor Brubaker added: “The key to human existence is pizza and happiness. Not vegetables and questions.”