Kids who eat pizza 'do not ask lots of smart-arse questions'

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste time asking annoying, smart-arse questions, research has discovered.

Children who consume a healthy diet of fatty ultra-processed food are quieter and more co-operative than mouthy, jumped-up little shits who demand to know what field their broccoli grew in.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Fat children finished their chicken drumshapes and took themselves quietly off to watch telly. Thin children followed adults around quizzing them on sustainability. I know which I’d rather have. 

“Fat kids, and everyone who came into contact with them, were 95 per cent happier. Their brains beautifully uncluttered, their parents blissfully undisturbed, and everyone who saw their roly-poly majesty instantly broke into broad smiles. 

“Meanwhile smart-arsed rocket-munchers filled the air with incessant ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ and grow up into unhappy, interfering, judgemental bastards who cannot shut their faces for two minutes without some opinion falling out of it like a turd.” 

Teacher Julian Cook said: “I bloody love fat kids. All glassy-eyed and docile, like teaching a cow. 

“Whenever I see a hand in the air I know immediately that it belongs to some rosy-cheeked, twinkly-eyed lean little f**ker who’s just had a tangerine.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The key to human existence is pizza and happiness. Not vegetables and questions.”

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Torres fee obviously adjusted for inflation, claims Chelsea

FERNANDO Torres’ £50m transfer fee was clearly adjusted to allow for inflation, Chelsea insisted last night.

As the club’s new signing made a debut as consequential as an overdue gas bill in Hiroshima, manager Ian Ancelotti stressed Britain’s rampant inflation rate meant the striker’s price tag was actually just £1.75 in ‘last year’s money’.

He added: “Britain is in a Zimbabwean-style inflationary spiral where you need a wheelbarrow full of £100 notes to buy a loaf of bread or a Spaniard.

“So if you apply Keynesian theory and close your eyes for 90 minutes you can see that Fernando was actually outstanding value.

“Next year I shall probably have to pay £120m for a bag of sugar or a Wayne Rooney.”

Meanwhile as Ancelotti and Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish worked on their excuses for spunking away the education budget of Malawi, research suggests the money may have been better spent on their stadium car parks.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Both Liverpool and Chelsea would sell 15% more season tickets if they could increase their capacity to 2000 cars each.

“Then Fernando Torres, David Luiz and Andy Carroll could stay at home and play with their wheelbarrows.”

He added: “It is an issue that should really be taken up with the game’s governing body, but it’s just so difficult to get an appointment with a shadowy Chinese betting syndicate.”