Kids who eat pizza 'do not ask lots of smart-arse questions'

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste their time asking a
series of annoying, smart-arse questions, researchers have discovered.

The Institute for Studies found that children who consume a healthy diet of fatty, processed food are quieter and more co-operative than the mouthy, jumped-up little shits who want to know exactly where their broccoli came from.

Researchers studied 1200 children across the UK and found that the fat children would finish their plate of chicken drumshapes and go and sit quietly in front of the television while children who ate cabbage would follow their parents around all day with a list of tedious questions about politics and the environment.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We found that the fat children and everyone who came into contact with them were up to 95% happier.

“These children’s brains are beautifully uncluttered, their parents blissfully undisturbed and everyone who sees them instantly breaks into the broad smile that invariably accompanies the sight of a roly-poly child.

“The most probing question a fat child will is ask ‘can you lift me up to see if I’m sitting on the remote control?’.

“Meanwhile the smart-arse cabbage eaters are filled with incessant ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ and grow up into unhappy, interfering, Guardian reading bastards who cannot shut their fucking faces for two minutes without some opinion falling out of it like a turd.”

Teacher Julian Cook said: “I bloody love fat kids. All glassy eyed and docile. It’s like teaching a cow.

“Whenever I see a hand in the air I know immediately that it belongs to some rosy-cheeked, twinkly-eyed little fucker who’s just had a tangerine.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The key to human existence is pizza and happiness. Not vegetables and questions.”


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Torres fee obviously adjusted for inflation, claims Chelsea

FERNANDO Torres’ £50m transfer fee was clearly adjusted to allow for inflation, Chelsea insisted last night.

As the club’s new signing made a debut as consequential as an overdue gas bill in Hiroshima, manager Ian Ancelotti stressed Britain’s rampant inflation rate meant the striker’s price tag was actually just £1.75 in ‘last year’s money’.

He added: “Britain is in a Zimbabwean-style inflationary spiral where you need a wheelbarrow full of £100 notes to buy a loaf of bread or a Spaniard.

“So if you apply Keynesian theory and close your eyes for 90 minutes you can see that Fernando was actually outstanding value.

“Next year I shall probably have to pay £120m for a bag of sugar or a Wayne Rooney.”

Meanwhile as Ancelotti and Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish worked on their excuses for spunking away the education budget of Malawi, research suggests the money may have been better spent on their stadium car parks.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Both Liverpool and Chelsea would sell 15% more season tickets if they could increase their capacity to 2000 cars each.

“Then Fernando Torres, David Luiz and Andy Carroll could stay at home and play with their wheelbarrows.”

He added: “It is an issue that should really be taken up with the game’s governing body, but it’s just so difficult to get an appointment with a shadowy Chinese betting syndicate.”