Multiculturalism fails as Mrs Gerving gets annoyed with Mrs Patel

BRITISH multiculturalism officially collapsed yesterday after Mrs Patel neglected to return a Catherine Cookson book belonging to her white neighbour, Margaret Gerving.

Mrs Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, had leant The Bondage of Love, which details the tribulations of a plucky working-class girl who falls for a man who may not be all that he seems, to Mrs Patel after she said she wanted a good book to read on the plane to Cyprus.

Four weeks after returning from her holiday, Mrs Patel still has the book, despite being well aware that Mrs Gerving wants to pass it on to someone else.

Mrs Gerving said: “It’s just not very thoughtful. Although personally I think that where she comes from, they don’t value manners like we do, not really.”

She added: “I’ll tell you something for nothing, I’m not lending her anything again. And she’s not getting her whisk back in a hurry, either.”

Mother-of-two Mrs Patel said: “I’d completely forgotten about the book, and she hadn’t asked for it. Although I wondered why she hadn’t been around this week, wasting my time when I’m trying to do some housework.

“I was actually going to drop her book around, and some Hello! magazines that I’ve finished with but if she’s going to be all funny about it then I won’t bother. No, I’ll wait until I get my whisk back, thank you very much.

“And I use that whisk a lot.”

A BNP spokesman said: “There’s hardly enough Catherine Cookson books in this country for white people, never mind Mrs Patel, who probably also wants Sharia law.”

But semi-professional Guardian reader Julian Cook said: “Mrs Gerving’s small-minded rhetoric is inexcusable in 21st-century Britain, even coming from an elderly and innately pugnacious woman like herself. As a member of the white male hegemony I just want to reach out to Mrs Patel and say – I live in Hackney of my own volition, and I ‘get’ bhangra.”


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Coogan possesses Top Gear opinion

STEVE Coogan fans were dismayed last night after it emerged the actor is one of those people who has an opinion about Top Gear.

Writing in the Observer, Coogan went on about Top Gear for ages as legions of horrified admirers begged him to not care about it in the slightest.

Tom Logan, a grade nine Coogan fan who knows all the words to the jockey sketch, said: “I kept hoping he was just being ironic and zeitgeisty and would soon segue into something about multiculturalism or Fox News.

“But he just kept going on and on about Top Gear. It was almost as if he was trying to get me to have an opinion about it as well.

“After a few minutes I noticed the tears that had been cascading down my cheeks and dripping onto the newspaper.

“And then, as if he had left me a voicemail to tell me that he never really loved me, he started having an opinion about their clothes.”

But some fans said it was vital that someone like Coogan had an opinion about Top Gear and the manner in which it should be funny.

Helen Archer, secretary of the Finsbury Park A-ha! Society, said: “Steve has worked with some of the greatest names ever to be picked out of a hat by a BBC commissioning editor, so he is much more qualified than you to decide what you think is funny. How can you not see that?

“That said, I would have preferred it if he had told me whether I think Frankie Boyle is funny.”

Coogan also revealed that he does not like magazines that are about cars as much as he used to.