King lays groundwork for scabbing a tenner

THE King’s call for kindness is a pretext for asking everyone to lend him ten pounds, it has emerged.

Far from being a sincere plea for the nation to care for each other, the King’s pre-recorded message for the Maundy Thursday service is only being broadcast to soften up the public for a cheeky request to bum a tenner.

King Charles said: “I’m extending the hand of friendship. And I’m rubbing my thumb and fingers together in that ‘pay me’ gesture. Gimme.

“I might look like I have limitless wealth, but all these palaces and castles cost a fortune to maintain. So if you can dig deep and chuck us a tenner, I’d really appreciate it. I’m due a big payment from the civil list any day now.

“You wouldn’t deny a sweet old man a bit of spending money, would you? Especially after all I’ve been through recently. Mum dying, all those hospital trips, Andrew. A tenner would really give my reign the boost it sorely needs. And if anything you still owe me for that coronation bank holiday.

“Look, all the money will have my face on it soon enough which I’m pretty sure means it’s mine anyway. I could send the guards round to take it by force if I wanted but I’m being nice.

“Also I need to crash on your sofa for a few weeks while my bedroom’s getting redecorated, that cool? Ta.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Thames Water also full of shit

THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.

The company, which is demanding the right to raise bills by 50 per cent as compensation for providing a terrible service, is not only talking total shit but is packed with shit as an investment.

Market analyst Julian Cook said: “Thames Water is in the shit because of its inability to deal with its shit, both real and metaphorical. It is, in every sense, a shit business.

“When you’re paid to treat sewage and instead you’re pumping 72 billion litres of it into the river Thames, you are doing a shit job of doing your shit job. And then you’re asking investors for £500 million? Shit no.

“And when a government dead against any form of nationalised industry – a government, incidentally, right on the river you’re filling with ordure – is planning to nationalise you? Then you’re up shit creek, or ‘the Thames’ as we call it.

“Thames Water is £18.3bn in debt, facing millions in fines, and flinging turds around like there’s no tomorrow. It has lost its shit. Honestly, it’s a shitshow.”

London resident Nathan Muir said: “Its tap water really is delicious, though. Mmm. Might fix myself another glass.”