Knighthood For Child Who Made Own Bed Every Day For A Week

JACK Logan, the child who made his own bed every day for a week, has been knighted in the New Year's honours list.

Ten year-old Logan said he was thrilled but surprised to receive the honour, insiting he was only doing what he was paid to do.

Sir Jack added: "I am very well compensated for my bed making, as you can see from these excellent new trainers, so it feels a bit weird to be knighted as well.

"I just hope this honour can help to raise the profile of British bed-making and inspire lots of other children to make their beds for more than two days in a row. London 2012 here we come!"

There were also MBEs for eight year-old Sally McKay and 12 year-old Josh Hayes who both helped their fathers wash the car.

Meanwhile three year-old Ben Malley becomes a CBE for going pee-pees all by himself.

Grown-up honours include Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant, awarded a CBE for not choking on his own vomit, while actor Michael Sheen gets an OBE for being on telly an awful lot recently. Sheen, 39, has recently been tipped to play the actor Michael Sheen in Sheen: The Michael Sheen Story.

Elsewhere top Treasury mandarin Nick McPherson is knighted for 'services to going to lots of meetings and writing stuff down while the country turned to shit'.

But there was disappointment for veteran entertainer Bruce Forsyth who was once again rejected for a knighthood as both Downing Street and the Palace continued to frown upon his support for the Khmer Rouge in the early 1970s.

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Millionaire footballers remain terribly working class

PREMIER league footballers have remained utterly ghastly despite their multi-million pound salaries, according to new research.

Experts say the huge sums invested in the country’s top players have failed to alleviate their violent, working class horridness.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most remain largely unintelligible and, when not buying clothes or punching people, they sit around on their cream leather sofas, watching Jason Statham films and eating Pringles.

“Even someone like Steven Gerrard, who once had the makings of a gentleman, is unable to resist the lure of sticky suburban nightlcubs frequented by DJs, fitness instructors and moderately successful plasterers.

“And yes, Wayne Rooney does have an impressive wine collection, but only so his dreadful, inarticulate friends will have nice, heavy bottles to smash each other over the head with.”

He added: “Remember those nasty boys in school who were gratuitously violent, foul mouthed, disruptive and cruel? Now imagine them with an annual budget of £5 million.”

The Institute has proposed a block release system where footballers would spend eight weeks a year at Cambridge learning to use George Bernard Shaw quotes instead of stamping on someone’s forehead.

There would also be regular dinners at the Dorchester where players would be awarded points for correctly identifying the dessert fork and then bonus points for not jamming it in someone’s windpipe.

An educated, middle-class footballing trend did emerge in the late 1980s when Everton winger Pat Nevin was seen enjoying ‘Doonesbury’ in the Guardian but ended in 1993 when Blackburn and England full-back Graeme Le Saux was branded a homosexual for using the word ‘eclectic’ in a post-match interview.