Knighthood For Child Who Made Own Bed Every Day For A Week

JACK Logan, the child who made his own bed every day for a week, has been knighted in the New Year's honours list.

Ten year-old Logan said he was thrilled but surprised to receive the honour, insiting he was only doing what he was paid to do.

Sir Jack added: "I am very well compensated for my bed making, as you can see from these excellent new trainers, so it feels a bit weird to be knighted as well.

"I just hope this honour can help to raise the profile of British bed-making and inspire lots of other children to make their beds for more than two days in a row. London 2012 here we come!"

There were also MBEs for eight year-old Sally McKay and 12 year-old Josh Hayes who both helped their fathers wash the car.

Meanwhile three year-old Ben Malley becomes a CBE for going pee-pees all by himself.

Grown-up honours include Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant, awarded a CBE for not choking on his own vomit, while actor Michael Sheen gets an OBE for being on telly an awful lot recently. Sheen, 39, has recently been tipped to play the actor Michael Sheen in Sheen: The Michael Sheen Story.

Elsewhere top Treasury mandarin Nick McPherson is knighted for 'services to going to lots of meetings and writing stuff down while the country turned to shit'.

But there was disappointment for veteran entertainer Bruce Forsyth who was once again rejected for a knighthood as both Downing Street and the Palace continued to frown upon his support for the Khmer Rouge in the early 1970s.

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Millionaire footballers remain terribly working-class

PREMIER league footballers remain utterly ghastly despite their multi-million pound salaries, research has found.

Experts say the huge sums invested in top players have failed to alleviate their violent, working-class horridness and may even make it worse. 

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most remain largely unintelligible. When not buying clothes or punching people, they sit on cream leather sofas eating Pringles.

“Even the foreign players, who you would expect to be naturally more sophisticated, wear trainers with suits and attend sticky nightclubs frequented by DJs, fitness instructors and moderately successful plasterers.

“Remember those nasty boys in school who were gratuitously violent, foul mouthed, disruptive and cruel? Now imagine them with an annual budget of £5 million.”

The Institute has proposed a block release system where footballers would spend eight weeks a year at Cambridge reading George Bernard Shaw quotes instead of stamping on someone’s forehead.

They would also attend dinner parties and be rewarded for holding conversations about Bernardine Evaristo and Marina Abramovic by being allowed to look at photographs of especially shiny cars. 

Educated, middle-class footballers did emerge in the late 1980s when Chelsea winger Pat Nevin was seen enjoying Doonesbury in the Guardian, but ended in 1993 when England full-back Graeme Le Saux was branded homosexual for using the word ‘eclectic’.