Knowing all the Doctor Whos in order will get you 70 points instantly, immigrants told

BRITAIN will only admit migrants who can name all of the actors who played Doctor Who in the correct order, the government has announced.

Home Secretary Priti Patel said that being able to recall everyone who has pretended to be a Time Lord will encourage the brightest and best to come to the UK.

Patel said: “Today there are lots more Doctor Whos compared to when the UK joined the EU in 1973, so it’s time our immigration policy reflected that.

“I don’t want to be served coffee by a barista who can’t remember if Sylvester McCoy came before Paul McGann, or if that was even canon. It just wouldn’t be right.

“Should businesses take a risk by recruiting workers who think Peter Cushing is the real deal? Or that Resurrection of the Daleks was a Tom Baker story? I don’t think so.

“Admittedly my parents wouldn’t be allowed into the UK because they lost touch with the show after Patrick Troughton left, but this isn’t about my background.”

London-based Spanish doctor Hugo Fernandez-Portes said: “Does Richard Hurndall count? My future kind of relies on this.”

How to deal with your parents' IT problems without murdering them

ARE your elderly parents always pestering you with badly-explained computer problems? Here’s how to help without strangling them with the mouse cable.

Learn to think in a clueless way 

Have your parents repeatedly searched Yahoo mail for ‘Does B and Q have patio furniture for a small garden? Thank you, Margaret and Iain’ and received no matches? This means the internet is broken. It is now up to you to fix it.

Do not expect them to use normal terms

They absolutely will not use the correct terms for everyday technology. Thus the mouse they still use will be called ‘the controller’, YouTube is ‘the music player’ and the computer going into sleep mode means ‘the internet must have finished for today’.

Have several very large glasses of wine beforehand

Heavy drinking is the only way to remain calm and non-murderous when your parents explain they’ve handed over their bank details after clicking on an ad with a picture of a luxury yacht entitled, ‘Retired poeple’s are making MILLION $$$s!!! Are you ready for OPPORTUNITY of a LIFE’S TIME???’

Remember they have been scared silly by the media

Retired people consume a lot of media scare stories, whether it’s the Daily Express or Radio 4. If they’ve minimised a window and can’t remember how to get it back, it’s only natural for them to think it’s Russian criminals gradually downloading their pensions like in a 1990s hacker movie.

Take a couple of police officers with you

When you go over to inspect their malfunctioning laptop yet again, only to discover they haven’t plugged it in for a month, two burly coppers may be all that stops you throttling them as the ‘red mist’ descends.