Lancashire still trying to pretend it has Yorkshire levels of identity

LANCASHIRE is still attempting to convince people it has the same cultural clout as its geographical neighbour and bitter rival, it has emerged.

Though the county is largely defined by not being the more famous area of the North, residents of places like Preston still think they can pretend everyone in the UK instantly recognises their distinctive accents and stereotypical behaviour.

Lancastrian Bill McKay said: “F**k off, of course we’re as famous as Yorkshire. Ever since the War of the Roses – which we won, by the way, don’t forget that – we’ve been neck-and-neck in every arena.

“They’ve got Yorkshire puddings, we’ve got Lancashire hotpot. They’ve got ferrets, we’ve got terrapins. They’ve got the Brontës, we’ve got my mate Jim who writes dirty limericks on pub toilet walls.

“You can also spot us a mile off. Fine, so we haven’t got the world-famous cultural signifiers of a flat cap and a whippet, but that doesn’t mean a random bloke in China wouldn’t recognise our distinctive local look.

“Just because they’ve got all the major cities of the North and we have none, they think they’re special. Well, we’ve got Thora Hird, and they can never take her away from us.”

When asked about the distinctive identity of Lancashire, Leeds resident Susan Traherne said: “Never heard of the place.”

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Trump election campaign confident of victory after portents of doom strike America

DONALD Trump’s campaign team say they are confident in their chances of electoral success as an earthquake and solar eclipse foreshadow great evil coming to the US.

After New York was shaken by tremors on Friday and the sun will turn black over great swathes of America today, the Republican nominee’s team have confirmed that these Biblical portents are a clearer sign of upcoming victory than any opinion poll.

A campaign spokesman said: “Our next milestone is the plague of locusts we’re anticipating around June, and if we have a rain of blood and hail by mid-August, we’ll know our team is winning round swing voters on the doorstep.

“Then we’ll be looking out for great cracks in the earth belching forth fire and brimstone, and hopefully some kind of hideous beast rising from the boiling sea, like Godzilla. People will really get on board with that because they’ve seen it at the movies.

“And if a star falls from the heavens and poisons the waters of the earth by the time of the second presidential debate, then there’ll be no doubt. We’ll be expecting a landslide on election day. Literally. San Francisco will be in the sea by lunchtime.”