Last thing that can go wrong does go wrong

THE nation is likely to lose its shit in a variety of expected and unexpected ways over the next few days, experts have confirmed.

Following hard on the heels of the disasters of Brexit, the pandemic, ongoing political instability, spiralling inflation and the cost-of-living crisis, the Queen has died sending Britain fully batshit loopy.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The Queen was a constant presence in a rapidly changing Britain, and without her the country will collectively lose what shreds of sanity it had left.

“Some things that will happen are predictable, like your dad putting a ‘RIP Queen’ overlay on his Facebook picture. Others are less certain, such as will Greggs bring out a special ‘King Charles and onion’ slice?

“We will certainly see a rash of mawkishly sentimental memes, like a drawing of the Queen meeting Captain Tom on a cloud. And your mum will definitely get a bit shirty about you mentioning Queen Consort Camilla before locking herself in the bathroom for a quick cry.

“But ultimately this moment will bring us altogether as a nation. Well, at least for a few weeks, after which normal service will resume and we’ll be calling each other Nazis again.”

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Traitor eats toast instead of watching BBC

A COLD-HEARTED turncoat has consumed a slice of toast with Lurpak instead of remaining in front of the TV for updates about the Queen.

Disgrace to his country Tom Logan claimed to be ‘really peckish’ and spent almost four minutes grilling bread, showing a callous disregard for the wellbeing of the mother of his nation.

Partner Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve seen a very ugly side to Tom. Instead of sitting transfixed in front of rolling news he was gallivanting about in the kitchen without a care in the world.

“He’s not just a quisling who hates his country, he’s a psychopath. He sat there munching on toast rather than giving 100 per cent undivided attention to Huw Edwards repeating what he’d just said two minutes ago.

“I can’t continue living with a vile monster worse than Hitler. He’s dumped and homeless. Also, is there a number for reporting treason? I think MI5 should know.”

Logan is currently back in front of BBC1 but not before disrespecting the Queen again, this time by going to the toilet instead of holding it in.