'Lazy 90%' alienated by Tories

THE Tories are facing a massive fall in public support after their slogan ‘For Hardworking People’ excluded almost everyone.

The majority of the UK population  are employed full-time in roles where they coast along with minimum effort.

PR account manager Joanna Kramer said: “I did nothing at school, fuck-all at university, and I find that the office is a lovely place to spend languorous days talking about the X-Factor, though of course I do work from home a lot as well.

“It’s how I’ve chosen to live my life, and as a fellow PR twat I expect David Cameron to respect that.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to leave early for a 2pm hair appointment.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said:“For young people work is a place to rest between weekends, for the middle-aged it’s a place to rest between bouts of childcare, and for the old it’s the only place they get an eight-hour sit down with regular cups of tea.

“The hardest workers are those on low incomes or immigrants, who are generally despised for making everyone else look bad.”

Senior Tories are rushing to assure the public that it’s fine to sit around pulling your pud all day if you’re in paid employment, have inherited wealth, or are attractive enough to leech off somebody else.

But privately Conservatives are unworried about the fall in support, because none of the lazy bastards will bother to go down to their local primary school and vote.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Scooby Doo or Scooby Doo Not. There is no Scooby Try.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Pffft. You hated the Daily Mail way before it was fashionable. You’re more into hating The Telegraph these days.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you learn that ‘Farage’ is pronounced like ‘garage’ because they’re both something you’d like to drive your car into.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Walking to work, dousing your fag end in the dregs of your can of Kestrel Black, you ponder that your Stoptober has not started well.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No word yet from Random House about your dystopian sci-fi about a man who cannot get the tabs on his task bar in his preferred order.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If anyone deliberately spoils the end of a film or show for you, tell them they’re going to die alone and unmourned as a spoiler for how their life ends.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your trousers are made of Tommy Lee & your shirt is made of Nikki Sixx, meaning you’re wearing a hair band.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The project you’re heading has gone down in flames, is way over budget and is failing to meet any of its targets. Time to do the responsible thing as leader and decide whose fault it is.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your wife says you’re obsessed with German football, accusing you of having an Eintracht mind.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
To avert a shark attack punch it and shout “Stop sleeping with my sister!”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your family are growing increasingly concerned about your alcohol intake, having hoped you’d drink yourself to death years ago.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Profits, tax cuts and enterprise are not dirty words. But pretty much every word to describe you is.