78% of human population actually yetis

THE majority of so-called people are in fact sasquatches.

Researchers compared DNA taken from yeti hair to a cross-section of workers, and found humans to be in the minority.

Cryptozoologist Julian Cook said: “We spent decades searching the wilderness for hairy, shambling bipeds with a small vocabulary of grunts and growls.

“We could have just gone into any town centre.”

43-year-old retail manager Stephen Malley said: “Man wrong. Me not ape. Me disgusted by suggestion.

“You – have berries? You give berries. Like berries. Good taste.”

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My dad actually hated my brother, says Miliband

ED Miliband has revealed that his father loved Britain but disliked David Miliband intensely.

Miliband said his father Ralph ‘never took’ to the family’s eldest son, regarding him as superficial and incapable of leading the Labour Party.

He added: “Dad always told me that I would be a much better leader than David no matter what anyone else said, or indeed, continues to say.

“When I was nine he sat me down and said to me ‘you, Ed, are the chosen one – David is what, in the future, will be known as a Blairite stooge’.

“He also said that I was much better looking.”