David Cameron owns machine

Reports that David Cameron has a machine that makes bread have left voters unsure what to do with that information. 

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “I suppose most people buy their bread ready-made, so this is a bit unusual. It strikes me as pretentious.

“However I own a number of machines, including one that makes bread hot.

“So…I don’t know…

“The one thing I am definitely taking from this is that David Cameron eats bread.”

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Rest of human race having more fun than you

EVERYONE else is having a better time than you, it has emerged.

New research has confirmed your suspicions that the rest of humanity has better sex, nicer holidays and a more interesting social life.

Pleasure analyst and marketing expert Tom Logan said: “My God, everyone else is having such a laugh.

“Whenever you’re not around, there’s this crazy magic in the air and anything could happen.

“It’s like everyone else is living in the moment, while you’re slightly behind, in the fading ex-moment.”

Logan explained: “It’s similar to quantum theory, which claims that particles behave differently when they are being observed. Whenever you’re in the room, looking for fun, fun mysteriously dissipates.”

Logan highlighted evidence including virtually all photographs on social media and the way that when you walk into a gathering everyone else looks a bit sheepish, like they have just had group sex.

He said: “As well as having more fun, everyone else has jobs that are more rewarding and better paid. Also their families are taller and healthier with lustrous hair, unlike yours which looks like a nest of damp straw.

“You’ll probably never have as much of a laugh as everyone else. But you need to keep hoping. And buying things.”