Saturn moon is beach ball lost by massive aliens

ONE of Saturn’s moons is a beach ball misplaced by a race of super-massive aliens.

Astronomers confirmed that Titan is made of plastic, filled with gas and has a valve on the top.

Dr Martin Bishop, from Roehampton University, said: “It’s a miracle it hasn’t been punctured by an asteroid.

“If it is then it will either deflate slowly until it’s just a flaccid, useless pancake, or it will fly randomly around the solar system while sounding like an extended bout of flatulence.”

Dr Bishop said the original owners of Titan had an average height of 190,000 miles and hands the size of Mexico.

He added: “Hopefully they won’t come looking for it, but if they do we are all fucked.”

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Daily Mail hates everyone in Britain

THE Daily Mail hates Britain and everyone in it, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies was unable to identify a single demographic that the Mail does not loathe with a pathological intensity and concluded that the paper was engaged in a form of ‘psychological terrorism’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Obviously, you start with immigrants and those descended from immigrants. But then you have young people, poor people, rich people – particularly the famous ones – and, of course, women.

“If you read the Mail for about nine seconds you can see the extent to which they despise women utterly.

“If you’re a working mother you’re a selfish whore, but if you stay at home you’re going to become severely depressed and morbidly obese.”

Professor Brubaker added: “And don’t make the mistake of thinking they’re fond of old people. They take great delight in scaring the absolute shit out of them.

“Even the Royal Family is loathed. They grasp any opportunity to publish photos of Princess Beatrice looking like a very special kind of moron.”

Editor Geordie Grieg said: “I don’t hate you, I just think you’re all treasonous scum.”