HUMAN existence is all about being better than everyone else, according to God.
The creator was keen to distance Himself from spirituality and good deeds, asserting that the key thing is amassing vast amounts of material wealth.
God said: Jesus rather gave the impression that I have something against the rich but while hes my son and I love the little hippy, hes talking out of his arse.
I blame his mother. I wanted him to go to a good school, make important contacts, set up his own multinational to spread the God brand but when youre born in a barn that closes a lot of doors.
“Had it been up to me I’d have made him cut his hair. But, you know, free will etcetera.
“I’m not saying it was the main reason for his downfall but if he’d had a sensible side parting those Romans might have looked on him differently.”
The Lord pointed to evolution as proof that His grand design was geared toward bigger, stronger and better-looking creatures having all the fun, as well as asking everybody if they could stop crediting Charles Darwin with his invention.
He said that St Peter has very strict instructions on heavens admissions policy, which is similar to that of an elite private member’s club.
God added: Its eternity, for My sake do you really think Id rather spend it with a flower-arranging spinster than Jack Nicholson?