'Life' is top university, say bitter dads

THE University of Life has once again been declared the best educational establishment by bitter middle aged men.

As official league tables declared Cambridge the top university, surly dads declared that all universities were just a load of wankers who look like that Sherlock bloke wearing scarves and having gay sex.

54-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “There’s only one place you’re going to learn anything useful, and that’s in the real world.

“None of this mortar boards and ‘la-di-dah’ nonsense. You want to get out there and start grafting.

“That’s what I do five nights a week in Tesco. It looks like I’m just stacking tins of beans but I’m actually broadening my mind at the same time.”

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Rich List includes ransom amounts

THIS year’s Sunday Times Rich List includes guideline ransom figures for kidnapped billionaires.

The information details how much of each person’s wealth is in liquid assets, where they’re most vulnerable and possible areas for blackmail.

Sunday Times acting editor Martin Ivens said: “The Rich List is a fixture of the newspaper, but in previous years has only contained information that is entirely useless to the masses.

“People just weren’t getting anything from learning that the bloke from Foxtons is now worth more than such-and-such a steel magnate, other than a sense that they fucking hated them all.

“With that in mind we’ve now included the home addresses of the rich, patterns of their movements and a rough idea of how much unmarked cash their loved ones can stuff into a holdall within 24 hours.

“Reaction has been incredible, and the first bloodied packages containing severed toes should be couriered to trophy wives this very morning.”

Criminal Nathan Muir said: “My dad always swore by Debrett’s New Peerage when he were hunting rich people for money or sport, but in today’s post-Thatcher classless society you need something more comprehensive.

“This Rich List tells us exactly which billionaires are worth torturing until they give us the combination to their jewellery safes. God bless the Murdoch press.”