Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Having some foliage tattooed on your arse will revive your pop career and also make it easier to hide in gardens.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In Blurred Lines, Robin Thicke asks ‘what rhymes with hug me?’ Might I suggest ‘I deserve to have a knife-wielding crackhead mug me’?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Youre still not sure whether you would actually piss on Piers Morgan if he was on fire but theres only one way to find out.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Based on the evidence of schoolyard rhymes, you were disappointed on your trip to Vegas when the blackjack dealers didnt smell all the cards first.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Monday, a colleague says “Life’s too short, make the most of it”. Like you, he works in a small, windowless office doing a job nobody cares about.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Stealing a glance at a pretty woman on the train is perfectly fine, but stealing her underwear off the washing line after following her home might be going a bit far.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, why not suggest that people replace the one form of entertainment they can actually afford with a bag of mange tout?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your acoustic guitar really draws a crowd at the party as people queue to watch you being beaten around the head with it.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Virgo enters your sign this week, patting his pockets and humming distractedly for a moment, before wandering out again.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
They came for the badgers, but I did not speak up because I am not a badger. I mean, obviously. Id hope that would go without saying.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Kids always bicker on car journeys but look on the bright side at least its distracting them from the long trip to the orphanage.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
My Computer – Documents Horoscopes Some Vague Bollocks About Energies Or Destiny Or Something.