Local knobhead still setting off fireworks

A LOCAL knobhead is annoying everyone where he lives by continuing to set off fireworks.

31-year-old Stephen Malley, who also has a Union Jack in his back garden, has persisted in setting off the colourful explosives for his own entertainment even though they are no longer culturally relevant.

Malley said: “I’ve spent a grand on fireworks, including some Chinese rocket thing called ‘Cherry Dragon Nuclear Special’, so I’m not going to let them all off in one night. I’ll be out in the garden drinking export lager and igniting things until Christmas.

“There will always be some sourpusses who moan just because there’s a series of deliberately loud bangs at midnight on a Monday. They can shut it and their frantically barking dogs can shut it too.

“I like to wind them up by stopping for about 12 minutes, so they think I’ve finally gone to bed, then letting off a mortar-like firework called a ‘Titanium Salute’.”

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “Someone needs to tell that moron that this fireworks thing is one night, not a season. You don’t see kids still going round trick or treating.

“He’s like some sort of early cave human who is hypnotised by the power of flame to make heat and light.”

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Thai hipster opens British ‘street food’ cafe

A THAI hipster has opened a cafe in Bangkok selling authentic British ‘street food’, it has emerged.

Former website designer Dang Ubonchinda is introducing Thai foodies to dishes including chips in a tray with kebab meat, chips in a pitta bread and saveloys floating in some sort of fluid.

Ubonchinda said: “Most people don’t realise Britain’s got this amazing, vibrant street food culture full of bold, gutsy dishes like chicken and mushroom pie.

“I make sure everything is cooked exactly as it would be in Britain. We don’t just fry our chips and serve them, we keep them in a heated cabinet for at least four hours to make sure they’re good and dry.

“My customers love anything ‘authentic’, so I source all our chicken burgers from the same freezer warehouse in Crewe.

“And when you order a pickled egg you can rest assured that none of our staff has a clue what the sell-by date is.”

Customer Anong Mueang said: “Sometimes they get the delivery drivers to make the salad while they’re still wearing their motorcycle gloves, just like in the UK.

“Last weekend I had a ‘British banquet’, which is a portion of chips, a battered cod, gravy, curry sauce, a Big Mac, a fried egg bap, spring rolls, another portion of chips and a really cheap sausage. Then I felt very unwell.”