Local knobhead still setting off fireworks

A LOCAL knobhead is annoying everyone where he lives by continuing to set off fireworks.

31-year-old Stephen Malley, who also has a Union Jack in his back garden, has persisted in setting off the colourful explosives for his own entertainment even though they are no longer culturally relevant.

Malley said: “I’ve spent a grand on fireworks, including some Chinese rocket thing called ‘Cherry Dragon Nuclear Special’, so I’m not going to let them all off in one night. I’ll be out in the garden drinking export lager and igniting things until Christmas.

“There will always be some sourpusses who moan just because there’s a series of deliberately loud bangs at midnight on a Monday. They can shut it and their frantically barking dogs can shut it too.

“I like to wind them up by stopping for about 12 minutes, so they think I’ve finally gone to bed, then letting off a mortar-like firework called a ‘Titanium Salute’.”

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “Someone needs to tell that moron that this fireworks thing is one night, not a season. You don’t see kids still going round trick or treating.

“He’s like some sort of early cave human who is hypnotised by the power of flame to make heat and light.”