HUNDREDS of pupils were subjected to a series of depraved attacks on their basic common sense over a 40 year period, the Irish government has confirmed.
A devastating report into the Catholic education system has revealed endemic insane voodoo delivered via stories about pregnant virgins, fish-based magic and inflammable bushes with deep, booming American accents.
The report states: "Typically the children would be woken up at 7am by one of the teachers screaming about how fossils were nothing more than Satan's place mats.
"By 5pm, the children had been through repeated, sordid levels of utter horseshit.
"Some were so scarred by their experience that they grew up to watch all those programmes about haunted houses on Living TV and say things like, 'you can't prove there aren't ghosts'."
The report also revealed how the maltreatment of logic reached the highest echelons of the Church, with the Pope himself teaching children they would roast in the 'Bad Fire' if they touched themselves in the 'whore-equipment'.
One victim, who refused to be named, said: "Father Mackie called me into his office, sat me on his knee and forced me to believe in the indivisible nature of the Trinity against my will.
"I kept telling him that the idea of a patriarchal creator was inherently self- contradictory and with no basis in rational thought, but he wouldn't stop…. he wouldn't stop."
The report has proposed a series of reforms including Ireland finally dragging itself out of the 14th century and no longer believing in things that obviously aren't true.