London criminals demand nicer police

LONDON’S criminals have told the Metropolitan Police that they disgust them.

They've probably filled it with wasps

They’ve probably filled it with wasps

As it emerged police investigated Stephen Lawrence’s family to see if they did anything ‘egregiously black’ so they would not have to bother solving his murder, the capital’s underworld have asked if they can be arrested by Kent police in future.

Roy Hobbs, a small-time shit from Bermondsey said: “I was carving the terms and conditions of my 17,000% loan on to a customer’s forehead when I heard about the Lawrence thing. Frankly, it turned my stomach.

“My customer wiped the blood from her face and said if I’d had anything to do with the Met she’d be bitterly disappointed.”

Burglars, car thieves and muggers have agreed to cease activities until the police reach the minimum standard of basic decency required to not catch them.

Meanwhile, the public have been asked to report any unauthorised crime to Mick the Fucker’s Garage and Waste Disposal Centre on the Isle of Dogs. A uniformed bouncer will break the miscreant’s thumbs within 24 hours.

Trifling thief Wayne Hayes said: “All the lads are taking a stand on this, except for our colleagues in banking. They seem to like the police even more now.”