London criminals demand nicer police

LONDON’S criminals have told the Metropolitan Police that they disgust them.

As it emerged police investigated Stephen Lawrence’s family to see if they did anything ‘egregiously black’ so they would not have to bother solving his murder, the capital’s underworld have asked if they can be arrested by Kent police in future.

Roy Hobbs, a small-time shit from Bermondsey said: “I was carving the terms and conditions of my 17,000% loan on to a customer’s forehead when I heard about the Lawrence thing. Frankly, it turned my stomach.

“My customer wiped the blood from her face and said if I’d had anything to do with the Met she’d be bitterly disappointed.”

Burglars, car thieves and muggers have agreed to cease activities until the police reach the minimum standard of basic decency required to not catch them.

Meanwhile, the public have been asked to report any unauthorised crime to Mick the Fucker’s Garage and Waste Disposal Centre on the Isle of Dogs. A uniformed bouncer will break the miscreant’s thumbs within 24 hours.

Trifling thief Wayne Hayes said: “All the lads are taking a stand on this, except for our colleagues in banking. They seem to like the police even more now.”

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Pope buys electric oboe

POPE Francis is to relaunch Christianity using state-of-the-art video software and an electronic wind instrument.

Following the huge response to Richard Dawkins’ presentation on memes to an advertising seminar, the Pope said he was looking for the same kind of ‘psychedelic brain-shaft’ but using the Virgin Mary instead of hedgehogs.

Dawkins’ musical tour de force has become one of the most valuable contributions to the internet so far and, according to experts, will be used for years to come as an illustration of what happens when evolution really kicks in.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “At first you think, ‘oh shit, Dawkins has got out of the boat – he’s going to let religion back in the game’.

“And then you realise he’s playing them at their own game, but with YouTube. And, of course, his ‘Nintendo trumpet’.”

Theologian Dr Roy Hobbs added: “It starts off like a meth addict’s daydream and then it charms you and then it scares you and then it explodes inside your brain, sending bits of hedgehog everywhere.

“It has neither destroyed religion nor made it seem more credible. Rather it has inspired religion into realising that it needs to be even more unusual.”

A Vatican spokesman said: “If mind mutations are what the young people are into then we can certainly do that.

“Now, where would one purchase an electric oboe? And is it easy to play if you are an elderly Argentinean gentleman with fat little fingers?”