No pressure, Britain tells Murray

RAFA Nadal’s first round defeat does not mean that you now have absolutely no excuse, Britain told Andy Murray last night.

As the Spaniard crashed out to someone who is only slightly better at tennis than you, the nation assured its number one that it would understand if he loses the Wimbledon final to a Swiss person who must be at least 50 by now. Again.

Helen Archer, from Peterborough said: “My grandmother is very ill.

“But despite the fact that she struggles for every breath and is seeing visions of Elizabeth Taylor whenever she is conscious, I know that she will forgive Andy if, for reasons beyond his control, the 50 year-old old Swiss man cheats his way to victory. Again.

“I just want her to have some peace. So if Andy could see his way clear to not losing to someone who seems to have been around since the first Oasis album, that would be spiffing.”

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, added: “Wimbledon is all about ‘the draw’. You live and die by ‘the draw’.

“I’m not saying ‘the draw’ is now much easier and so we should reasonably expect Andy Murray to end our long national nightmare. Absolutely not.

“I’m just saying that if he doesn’t, for reasons beyond his control, I would hope that he would at least have the common decency to come to my house and apologise.”

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Little Chef customers reject Blumenthal's food made of clocks

LITTLE Chef has removed Heston Blumenthal dishes from its menu after realising that people did not want to eat minced clocks.

The roadside cafeteria chain said it would stick to pies, sausages and battered fish, accompanied by chips and beans, after customer feedback revealed a preference for food.

Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, said: “I’ve been driving for six hours and I would very much like to eat a pie – if that’s alright with everyone.

“I’m not a character from Shameless, I just want a pie.”

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, added: “I basically am a character from Shameless and I too would like a pie. But it’s not the pie’s fault. Don’t make this about the pie.”

A company spokesman said: “We were throwing away more than 2000 minced clocks a week. Not even homeless Scottish people wanted to eat them.

“Plus, unless you’re using those really expensive binbags, the bits of clock poke through the plastic and jab you in the leg.”

Blumenthal, who first dazzled restaurant critics with his inside-out boxing glove on a bed of remote controls, said: “I think people are a bit scared of new things. But minced clock is really just a metal version of coleslaw.”