Twats fleeing London decide which towns to ruin next

A GROUP of high-ranking London twats has met to discuss which provincial towns they can move to and ruin.

After agreeing that London is ‘exhausting’ and ‘a real love-hate kind of deal’, the fuckers discussed a shortlist of towns where they and their coffee-obsessed friends can buy houses and make it into ‘a thing’.

Marketing consultant Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve done Bristol and Margate, has anyone looked at Gloucester? It’s quite close on the train and not too much of a shithole.”

However branding analyst Martin Bishop said: “I actually looked at a house there when I had my last meltdown and was going to go off and make chairs using 17th century tools.

“The vegan options are terrible and everyone rides around in mobility scooters.”

However others in the group suggested that mobility scooters were ‘very real’ and ‘kind of cool if you need to get home after doing loads of coke’.

Advertising professional Mary Fisher said: “Has anyone looked at Derby? They’ve got an independent bookshop so it can’t be too bad.

“The houses are so cheap you could buy a whole street, then rent it out while writing a novel about pretending to be a barn owl.”

Everyone around the table then laughed and agreed they should each buy a street in Derby because ‘it’d be funny’ and ‘you could rename it Big Tits Close or something’.

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Child left unsupervised with Sunday Telegraph

A MUM has been left wracked with guilt after failing to notice her son had picked up a copy of The Sunday Telegraph.

A pleasant pub lunch turned into a nightmare for Donna Sheridan when she saw eight-year-old Jack was engrossed in the demented newspaper.

Sheridan said: “I got distracted paying the bill and when I looked round Jack was halfway through an article claiming the SNP are planning to nationalise Waitrose.

“I was across the room like a shot and tore the paper away from him but he just looked pompous and said, ‘It’s high time we started dealing with Brexit traitors using the Treason Act.’

“Then I asked if he’d seen Matt’s cartoon about millennials being weak and greedy, but he claimed he hadn’t.

“I rushed him to A & E and thankfully the doctors said there’s no permanent damage. I just have to keep an eye on him and call 999 if he starts talking about cricket.

“Luckily he didn’t read the lifestyle article by ‘Olivia Fentington-Hernandez’, so at least he doesn’t think normal people live in mansions and have jobs as ‘holistic clean-eating consultants’.