London friend has genuinely nice house

A NORTHERN man is in shock after his friend’s house was revealed to be not just nice for London but actually nice. 

Nathan Muir of Yorkshire confessed to being taken aback when Carolyn Ryan’s new home elicited not fake compliments borne of pity, but sincere praise.

He said: “It’s London. I know the drill.

“I’ve stood on a nine-by-six chunk of roof saying it was an incredible outdoor space perfect for parties, I’ve called areas where I feared for my life as ‘vibrant’, and told my sister her £320k studio apartment – it’s a bedsit – was fantastically close to Waitrose.

“But not only was Carolyn’s house decent-sized, three bedrooms and gardens front and back, it was actually pleasant. And the breathtaking views of the city skyline mean it wasn’t nice despite London. Somehow it was nice because of London.

“It’s almost as if, in some ways, living in London could be viewed positively. My God. This house is dangerous.”

Muir’s friend Carolyn Ryan said: “Like all Londoners with a nice house, I had to do horribly dark things so that I can afford it. Evil, corporate things.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man somehow unaware Jacob Rees-Mogg is a massive bellend

A MAN somehow believes that arch-wanker Jacob Rees-Mogg is a brilliant individual who would make an excellent prime minister.

Badly paid office worker Tom Logan is strangely impressed by incredibly rich hedge fund founder Rees-Mogg, who for some reason pretends to be an eccentric 18th century landowner.

Logan said: “I love it when he does all that Latin stuff. I’ve no idea what it means or if he’s just making it up but he’s a character and that’s what counts.

“He’s a classic English gentleman like Sherlock Holmes or Bertie Wooster, which is exactly the sort of person we need in a new digital 21st-century of trade negotiations.

“’The Moggster’ would baffle Americans with one of his clever long words. Pissing people off in an amusing way is definitely one of the key skills a politician should have.”

Logan’s enthusiasm for Rees-Mogg is so great that he recently surprised friends by declaring he is against abortion and same-sex marriage too.

He added: “When you think about it abortion is pretty yucky and marriage should be traditional with a man and a woman in a pretty dress.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Christ knows why an ordinary guy like Tom is so keen on a weird poseur like Rees-Mogg. Also I may have to kill him if he keeps referring to ‘the Moggster’.”