AREAS of London are effectively no-go zones unless you know about specialist coffee, it has emerged.
Bearded, wild-eyed young man with extreme views on beans and filtration effectively control large parts of the capital, operating from minimalist premises with bikes on the walls.
Peckham-based policeman Tom Booker said: “I dislike Donald Trump but he’s right, there are places here I’m scared to go, like artisan coffee house ‘Sip’.
“Apparently they have a whole ‘philosophy of coffee’ – it says so in fancy writing on the wall – which appears to involve facial hair, being overly confident and probably persecuting tea drinkers.
“I like a cappuccino as much as the next man but they’re all ‘-gato’ this and ‘-sippi’ that, it’s alienating and feels somehow secretive.”
Hackney resident Mary Fisher said: “I always thought cafes were friendly, community places but they’ve been taken over by an element that thinks coffee is a religion.
“You see the young people going into these places, they start listening to FKA Twigs, wearing short trousers with no socks and promoting musically eclectic club nights. The charismatic baristas brainwash them into believing they are amazing.
“I think they’re plotting something. Not sure what, but I’m certain it will be annoying.”