London pisses itself at Leeds' idea of a traffic jam

LONDON has almost wet itself laughing at the city of Leeds’ idea of what constitutes a proper traffic jam.

The capital’s hilarity was caused by drivers in Leeds becoming angry and despondent due to a pathetic temporary gridlock at 5.30pm in the City Square.

Van driver Roy Hobbs said: “Call that a traffic jam? Ten cars waiting at red lights? Londoners can be stuck in traffic for three hours and we still laugh it off as ‘minor congestion’.

“You Northerners are fond of telling Southerners we’re soft, but have you ever been trapped all afternoon on the North Circular with nothing to eat except half a bottle of Evian and two Polos?

“There’s heavy goods vehicles trying to get from Epping to Guildford that set out in 2012 and they’re still only in Clapham.

“In a proper London jam you might never move again. Just yesterday I armed myself with the jack handle in case we were stuck there permanently and people started turning cannibal.”

Leeds resident Donna Sheridan said: “I’ll concede that Londoners are better at traffic jams but that doesn’t excuse cockney bullshit, all those bloody musicals and Danny Dyer.”

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Middle-class woman runs out of hobbies to pathetically give up on

A MIDDLE-CLASS woman has officially run out of creative projects to abandon.

35-year-old Emma Bradford came to the realisation after adding an unfinished hand-weaved basket to her pile of crap handicraft projects in a cupboard.

She said: “Every time I feel dissatisfied with my life, I start a new arty project to get me out of my bourgeois rut.

“I’m usually about a quarter of the way in before I realise that making my own soap isn’t going to cut it.

“Once I’m halfway through I tend to think things like ‘Why the fuck am I crocheting a hat?’ and give up completely.

“I’ve done jewellery-making, knitting, sewing, you name it. I’ve built half a dolls’ house, I’ve done watercolours that look like my five-year-old did them and I started painting bottles for some reason.

“Don’t even mention the charcoal drawing, flower arranging and calligraphy. I can’t think of anything left to try, so I’m just going to have to sit here and think about the futility of life.

“Oh, wait! I’ve never tried adult colouring-in. That will definitely fill the void.”