Jeremy Corbyn's guide to acting decisively

HELLO, comrades. As a top politician I know only too well the importance of acting swiftly and decisively. Here’s how to take the bull by the horns in a variety of real-life situations.

Noisy neighbours

Set up a music volume committee and invite your neighbours to take part. If they tell you to sod off, buy them some quieter music, eg. Mellow Moods on the Pan Pipes rather than Dubstep Apocalypse Volume 8.

Burglar in your property

It’s all too easy to call the police in a panic or grab a weapon. Instead commission a report entitled They Stole My MacBook: Perspectives on Theft in a Globalised World.

If you have to confront the burglar, make him aware he is harming his own community rather than the ruling elite. If he refuses rehabilitative training such a plumbing course, only then should you twat him with a cricket bat.

Confronted by a fierce dog

If you’re in the park and are attacked by a dog, act quickly and get out your phone to set up an independent inquiry headed by a respected barrister.

Ideally you should establish working definitions of ‘being mauled’, ‘massive teeth’ and ‘serious blood loss’. Let the dog have its say, assuming it has not already run off with your testicles.

House on fire

Before rushing to put out the fire it’s important to establish the facts. Is that smoke or just steam from the kettle? Are people screaming “Fire!” because the building is ablaze or are they just singing along to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown?

When you are sure there is a fire, call 999 and insist that only a gender-balanced team of firefighters should be sent to rescue you.

Fight in a pub

If someone says “Did you spill my pint?”, refuse to commit to whether you did or did not spill the pint because to do so would be playing into the hands of the Tory press.

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Man who's slept with loads of women just has no standards and lies a lot

A MAN who has bedded a vast number of women does it by sleeping with anyone and lying frequently.

Stephen Malley has had sex with 548 women, but the secrets of his success are not being picky in any way, giving false information about himself and generally being a sleazy ballbag.

Malley said: “I’m sort of like Casanova or James Bond, except my Mercedes is hired and I still live with my mum.

“Even so I’ve had a fuck of a lot of minge. Okay, some of them weren’t exactly supermodels, but you’re not looking at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire, as we suave ladies’ men like to say.

“It’s all about confidence, dressing well and giving the ladies lots of respect and attention before you fuck off the next day to play football with your mates and brag about it.

“And let’s be honest – women like a man with a good job and prospects. That’s why I tell them I’m a trainee barrister, an RAF pilot or on my way to becoming a tech millionaire.

“It’s not really lying because I’d quite like to do those things if I ever leave Carphone Warehouse.”

Ex-lover Nikki Hollis said: “I thought it was too good to be true when he said his favourite film was Mamma Mia too.”