London to explore ‘no airport’ option

THE commission studying London’s airport needs has been urged to consider no airports at all.

Experts said the ‘zero runways’ option would the cheapest, quietest and most environmentally friendly because it would just be some houses, fields and a scattering of friendly horses, instead of a massive, noisy concrete nightmare, full of unremitting ghastliness.

Julian Cook, a transport consultant from Richmond, said: ““If people are determined to come to London they can strap on a parachute and fall out of an airplane.

““The capital will be encircled by a dozen designated ‘drop zones’. Once you hit the ground you make your way to the nearest main road where the ‘ParaBus’ will pick you up and take you to a train station.””

The plan allows for six ‘drops’ per day and a dedicated part-time rescue team for passengers who end up getting mangled in a tree.

Cook added: ““The one issue the process has failed to address is why so many people are coming to London and if that should be allowed to continue.

““The financial, political and media industries are populated by the worst people in the world. We need less of them, not more.

“”The only other people coming to London are gap-toothed provincial cretins, wearing shiny garments and clutching tickets for embarrassing West End shows.

““Stay where you are, you pitiful monsters and spend your pennies on dentistry and fruit.””

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Cats into people humour

CATS love any quirky and winsome humour associated with people, it has emerged.

Researchers found that many cats are obsessed by what they consider to be the comic aspects of human behaviour.

Most cats find routine Homo sapiens activity like putting on a hat or lying on a bed to be revealing of some hilarious, imaginary aspect of our character.

Cat Nikki Hollis said: “Everything you do delights me to an insane extent.

“I’ve got hundreds of porcelain figures of humans doing all those loveable things humans do, like driving a car, or sitting at a desk using a computer in an adorable little shirt and tie.

“I’ve also got loads of human cuddly toys. My favourite is one of a person dressed as a policeman. I mean, who thinks of this stuff?

“The best thing is when a human asks for some food in a grammatically inaccurate manner.”

She added: “I’m not sure where the urge to obsessively collect things to do with people comes from, but I’m single, live alone, and don’t have any kittens.”

Cat Denys Finch Hatton said: “Our amusement at the eccentricities of human behaviour may be a way of switching off from our primal and sadistic natures which are obsessed by sex, killing and torture.

“Or maybe we’re just bored with our empty consumerist lives.”