Londoners Edge Closer To Reading Books

THE closure of The London Paper has pushed the capital's commuters on step closer to reading books or perhaps even talking to each other, it was claimed last night.

The Rupert Murdoch-owned freesheet has been under threat since mid-July when Tom Logan, an accountant from Camden, got up from his seat on the Northern Line and shouted, 'hang on a minute, this is filled with shite'.

A recent reader survey showed that while 20% used the paper to avoid eye contact with the crotch-rubber sat opposite, almost 80% were homeless people using it for insulation, lighting fires and, from October to March, food.

'Rancid' Bill McKay, who pokes around the bins near Covent Garden, said: "The Metro has a more subtle, spicy flavour. But The London Paper is okay if you mix it with a bit of pesto."

Transport for London has recorded conversational gambits to be relayed on trains and buses to help spark discussions between passengers who have grown used to viewing strangers as knife-carrying sacks of meat.

Early ideas include 'What does Boris Johnson smell like?', 'What's that on the floor?' and, for all stops east of Bank, 'If they can't learn the fackin' language, they should fackin' well go home '.

Julian Cook, a PR executive from Finchley, said: "I've got a copy of A Suitable Boy I've been trying to avoid reading for about four years.

"It may be time to strap on some nuts and finally get through the bastard."

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'3D Dog Turd' Smashes Box Office Records

RECORD numbers of movie-goers across Britain are queuing up to be bombarded with giant lumps of three dimensional faeces.

Critics say 3D Dog Turd is a 'visual feast' that will redefine how Hollywood sells steaming piles of crap to increasingly demanding audiences.

Wayne Hayes, editor of MovieSplash magazine, said: "It's like the turd's right in your face. It moves left and right and up and down, it spins around quickly and slowly. Amazing.

"At one point you actually go inside it. It was so realistic I thought I was going to have to wipe the shit off my 3D glasses."

Jackie Pearce, a mother-of-two, from Grantham, said: "My kids loved it. It was exciting, funny and made them want to learn more about excrement."

3D Dog Turd II is already in production and will tell the story of a baby turd that runs away from a circus and teams up with a used handkerchief and a funny pigeon.

Screenwriter Stephen Malley said: "The sequel will be a much more intricate vision. You actually see the dog doing the turd. It's a Dalmatian so the merchandising opportunities will be huge."

He added: "But we also want the audience to think about some deeper issues, like why no one's picked up the turd, but still staying within the crowd-pleasing formula of some dog mess that appears to go in and out of the screen."

3D Dog Turd producer Don Franciscus said: "The idea struck me during Transformers II. A lightbulb came on in my head, like Gallileo sitting under the apple tree, and I thought, 'why not make a film that's actually about shit'."

He added: "I've just greenlit 3D Owl Pellet and 4D Rotting Vole in Sense-o-matic Surround-o-vision. They will make Titanic look like a film that should never, ever have won Best Picture."