Londoners more scared of you than you are of them, say experts

RESEARCH has confirmed that Londoners’ blatant rudeness is a mask to hide how frightened they are of people from other areas.

A new study has shown that behavioural traits associated with the city’s residents, such as impatience, a complete lack of manners and general twattishness, all stem from a deep-rooted fear of non-Londoners.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Over many generations, Londoners have evolved to become utter bellends as a defence mechanism. Like Florida’s saltwater crocodiles they are incredibly hostile, and will attack if you accidentally stand on the wrong side of the escalator in a tube station.

“They are worried that people will enjoy London and decide to stay, making it busier, dirtier and more expensive than ever. Acting like discourteous wankers is their way of making the city as inhospitable and unwelcoming as possible.

“When confronted with a Londoner the most important thing is not to panic. Avoid eye contact and do not smile or offer them a cheery greeting as it triggers their fight or flight response.

“The human brain simply didn’t evolve to live that close to so many franchised branches of Franco Manca. It’s not natural and makes Londoners cold and defensive. They’re to be pitied really.”

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Lazy middle-aged divorcees getting back together with childhood sweethearts

MIDDLE-AGED divorcees who cannot be bothered making the basic effort to date are getting back together with their teenage sweethearts instead.

Fortysomethings exiting long-term relationships have looked at the dating market, looked at themselves in the mirror, accepted facts, got onto Facebook and told old flames their feelings for them never went away.

Susan Traherne, aged 43, said: “I can’t be chasing after new love at my time of life. I’ve got three kids and a Welsh Collie.

“But luckily Nathan split up with his wife two years ago, his fond memories of me as a teenager soften the edges of what I actually look like now, and being in love with Nathan all along is a great way to pretend my divorce wasn’t my fault.

“Is there an element of pragmatism? Yes. Does he only live two towns away? Also yes. Is there literally nobody as excited to see my boobs as a man who’s been thinking about them for 27 years? Absolutely, and it’s bloody gratifying.”

New partner Nathan Muir said: “I never stopped loving Susan. Even when I was married. Those memories of what we shared after the A-level disco were more vital and vibrant than any relationship I’d had since.

“Also I’m bald and they don’t like that on Tinder.”