'What would you recommend?' Middle-class questions to never ask in Wetherspoons

FOUND yourself in a Wetherspoons despite being middle-class? Avoid these questions if you do not want to blow your cover.

Is there a tasting menu?

You’re not in a gourmet restaurant. The staff aren’t going to dish up poncey miniature mouthfuls of beef madras or katsu curry, no matter how politely you ask. Besides, you should be aiming to eat as little of the filth spewing out of a Wetherspoons kitchen as possible, not all of it. Or do you have a death wish?

What would you recommend?

The mouth-breathing staff will brusquely recommend you hurry the f**k up and order already. There’s a regular behind you waiting to buy a drink, and if you don’t get a shift on he’s at risk of sobering up. You don’t want to be responsible for him coming to his senses in a Wetherspoons, do you? Didn’t think so. Get a Doom Bar then piss off.

Is the food organically-sourced?

Prepare for the locals to laugh their tits off over their 11am pints of Abbot Ale if they overhear you asking this. Not only is the food almost certainly not organically sourced, most of it probably isn’t even organic in origin. Tim Martin likely orders chefs to forage ingredients out of bins in order to save his chain of mediocrity some money.

Can I order the house wine?

Remember, this isn’t a quaint bistro in the Dordogne; you’re in a Wetherspoons in Hull that has a two-star rating on Google. Ideally you should be ordering Magners, but if you insist on asking for wine it’ll be poured out of a warm carton kept by the crisps. To be fair this is the most inexpensive plonk they sell, meaning they’ve given you exactly what you wanted. So look grateful.

Can I speak to the chef?

Such an optimistic question. It assumes that a team of trained professionals are toiling away behind the scenes to whip up culinary delights. In reality, the kitchen is manned by a teenager whose sole responsibility is to zap frozen burgers in the microwave. Besides asking them how long they irradiate their meals for, there’s not much to talk to them about.

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'It's like a real-life eBay,' says teenager visiting first car boot sale

AN astonished 15-year-old is amazed to learn that car boot sales are just like popular e-commerce site eBay but in the real world.

Having been dragged to his first car boot sale by his parents, Jack Browne was thrilled to find himself in a magical wonderland where people were flogging their secondhand tat over trestle tables instead of the internet.

He said: “It’s so wholesome to think that all these people were clearly so inspired by eBay that they wanted to recreate it offline on a school playing field.

“If anything this place is better. You can see exactly what you’re buying and you don’t get stung by postage fees. The sellers are even open to haggling if you’re brave enough. They’ve thought of everything.

“The only things missing are the product reviews. I’ve had to go in blind and hope this album by Worms Armageddon is any good. If it isn’t I’m sure I’ll be able to get a refund on the 25p I paid for it no problem.

“I still don’t get what all the cars are about though. Couldn’t they sell everything in some sort of street market? Just a thought.”

Dad Colin said: “Jack wasn’t this impressed when we took him to Disneyland for his tenth birthday. The ungrateful little prick.”