DO most men sit with their legs spread apart and speak with a booming, arrogant voice? For the purposes of this article I have to churn out, let’s say yes.
Mansplaining
When I asked my boyfriend to explain the plot of the film I was half-watching while looking at pictures of Caitlin Moran on my phone, he couldn’t help but tell it to me like I’m an ignorant girl. This is clearly symptomatic of a societal problem with men and is completely unrelated to my own short attention span. I was about to lecture him on this before getting distracted by a sale on Emma Bridgewater mugs.
They never look where they’re walking
I once got bumped into by a man who wasn’t looking where he was going, which means the patriarchy has obviously brainwashed them into thinking that they own the pavement. Why didn’t he step into the road and walk around me and my girlfriends as we blithely ambled along and took up all the space? Answer: he’s a sexist pig, just like all men.
Manspreading
As I rode the tube to my overpaid media job, I was disgusted to see a man sitting with his legs wider apart than I personally find reasonable. Rather than politely asking him to make a bit of room, I did the much more mature thing: covertly papped him then put him on blast on social media. It’s exactly this sort of struggle the Suffragettes died for.
They don’t talk about their feelings
My father is a stoic rock who never expresses himself. It’s been that way ever since he once revealed how he felt and I shut him down by saying that women have everything a billion zillion times worse. Since then he just gazes off into space with a vacant expression, as if working through his emotions internally is preferable to being shouted at for having a human experience.
Snoring
Women don’t snore, that’s a scientific fact. Instead we happily hum away in our sleep like a contented little air humidifier. My partner on the other hand makes deafening grunts all night long, which is probably related to the gender wage gap in ways I am yet to concoct. He says it’s due to his sleep apnea but I know it’s actually a sexist conspiracy. Him and his mates probably have a big laugh about it while they misunderstand the Barbie movie.
