Londoners obediently queueing for some bullshit

A QUEUE of Londoners don’t even know what bullshit they are lining up for, they have confirmed.

Although the Londoners are almost certainly waiting in line for some bullshit, it is unclear to anyone involved what the precise nature of the bullshit might be.

Queue participant Stephen Malley said: “It’s probably some ‘coffee festival’ thing, or a temporary shop selling t-shirts and trainers that are very slightly different to the ones in normal shops.

“I see a queue, I join it. I’m not stupid.

“These other people probably heard about this bullshit on some social media thing, which means it must be good.”

Fellow queueing person Mary Fisher said: “I hope the bullshit is a restaurant selling tarted-up American junk food that doesn’t take reservations and only lets you sit down for a strictly monitored 40 minute time slot while other would-be diners glare at you with unadulterated hate in their eyes.

“I know that sounds horrible and needlessly stressful but that’s the sort of thing we like in London.”

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Over 30s not on property ladder 'can f**k off'

YOUNG people desperately need help buying their own home but anyone over 30 can just suck it, society has decided.

The government has promised help for young first-time buyers but not anyone who has been working for a decade, because they are useless tossers who deserve to live in shitty rented bedsits until they die.

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “If you’re over 30 without a property you’ve clearly been dossing around instead of working and saving obsessively, or haranguing your parents for a deposit.

“It’s probably better that you don’t buy a house because that might encourage you to start a family and pollute the gene pool with your lazy, financially irresponsible DNA.

“If you somehow buy one of our cheap starter homes you’ll be evicted and replaced with more deserving people, like a smart young couple who only care about ISAs and spending money in big shops.”

45-year-old Tom Logan said: “I rang up to enquire about help buying my first home but they said the best thing was to rent until I become senile and incontinent and get put in a home.”

Property expert Nikki Hollis said: “Older people should not feel excluded from the government’s cheaper homes initiative because there is literally no chance these half-arsed idiots will actully build them.”