Loser with women bluffing his way through mate's break-up

A MAN with very little experience of relationships is really having to wing it as he helps a friend through a painful break-up.

Tom Logan has been forced to help recently dumped friend Martin Bishop with information gleaned from popular cliches, films and guesswork.

Logan said: “I keep saying break-up things like ‘plenty more fish in the sea, mate’ but it’s as if he’s still not ready to move on after four days.

“I might not be the best person for this because I’ve only had three crap semi-relationships, but I’m sure he’ll soon get over Emma if I keep him busy with fun stuff like Laser Quest.

“I’ve noticed that on telly men always go to the pub for serious chats, so last night I made Martin drink 16 pints while I talked to him about 90s action films.

“Unfortunately he just got irritable then really depressed from all the alcohol, but at least he got some good rest after becoming completely unconscious.

“It’s important he doesn’t become properly depressed, so I’m emailing him several times a day with links to mental health websites.”

Bishop said: “I really wish Tom would stop trying to set me up with his weird, desperate female friends and saying I have to ‘get back on the horse’.”

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Woman instantly transforms into vile hag on reaching 40

A WOMAN has instantly become a hideous crone upon reaching her 40th birthday.

Helen Archer, from Sunderland, awoke this morning to find herself a wizened hag with pendulous breasts, leathery skin and pronounced facial warts.

She said: “I felt that I looked reasonably good throughout my 30s so it’s a bit of a shock to say the least.

“I suspected something might happen on my 40th as apparently it is ‘the big one’ but I’d never expected it to be so extreme. I suppose I just have to accept that I will forever be shunned from society and focus on casting spells to make cattle fall ill.

“Men no longer desire me, and even advertisers will only be interested in selling me age-defying skin cream.

“I was going to yoga twice a week but now there doesn’t seem much point.”

Archer’s partner Martin Bishop said: “Even animals are scared of her, so I think we’ll be staying in and cooking cauldron-based meals.

“It’s a shame that this happens to women, especially when there are so many hot 39-year-olds around. I suppose they’re a bit like butterflies or something.”