Love, happiness, and other things money actually can buy

HAVE you clocked that people who say money isn’t important aren’t in a rush to give up all their cash? That’s because you can, in fact, buy anything:

Happiness

Being in your overdraft all the time makes you feel anxious and miserable, which does not correlate with a general feeling of joy. But being financially comfortable means you can have all the nice things you want to do without worrying that doing a big shop will make you default on your mortgage. And if you use your riches to buy loads of MDMA, even better.

Love

Sorry, but whoever put the ‘for richer, for poorer’ bit in the wedding vows was chatting sh*t. It won’t fix your terrible personality, but having loads of dosh will probably make you more appealing as a lifelong romantic partner than, say, someone who has a chronic gambling problem or lives in a tent in a park.

Friendship

Likewise, people are naturally drawn towards that mate who is always happy to get a round in, and not the one who asks to borrow a tenner every time you see them. You can essentially buy yourself mates by seeming generous as opposed to just filthy rich. They might even end up genuinely liking you.

Health

Two words: private healthcare. While the rest of us are slumming it on the NHS waiting list, a wealthy person can get a knee replacement within a few weeks, because they can shell out a few thousand pounds willy-nilly. They can also afford to buy huge houses in the countryside rather than live in a damp flat next to a pollution-choked duel carriageway.

Immortality

Oh, so no-one lives forever? Then explain why we know who Tutankhamun and J.D Rockefeller are. If you bury yourself in gold or pay to have a building named after you, you won’t be forgotten as quickly as the rest of us chumps. You can’t take your money with you, but you can use it to keep showing off even after you’re dead.

Ant Middleton, Tyson Fury, and other autobiographies every wanker owns

VISITING the home of a twat? Here are six autobiographies that are guaranteed to have pride of place on their shelves:

Ant Middleton

Everyone needs a bit of positivity now and then, even aggressive bastards. And SAS: Who Dares Wins bad boy Ant has a lot to say about being a buff, burly man who’s overcome his demons by shooting foreigners. If you go to the house of a man with ‘Mission: Total Resilience’ on his shelves, he’ll definitely turn out to be a crybaby with mummy issues.

Richard Hammond

Unfortunately, Jeremy Clarkson has never written his full life story, preferring instead to to eek it out over hundreds of nauseating columns in The Times. But fellow grumpy bloke Hammond is here to fill that gaping Top Gear-shaped hole in your brother-in-law’s shelf with a book about how amazing cars are, apart from when one nearly killed him.

Tyson Fury

The idea of punching people professionally really appeals to most wankers, so here is a whole book about making a shitload of money from it. It will also teach them that admitting you’re flawed and have mental health issues means you don’t have to take responsibility for the sexist and homophobic remarks you’re always spouting.

Bear Grylls

Chief Scout Bear’s life lessons about drinking piss in the wild really speak to your middle-manager cousin who has never been camping but thinks National Service should be brought back because ‘Gen Z are too f**king soft’. Gryll’s autobiography ‘Never Give Up’ will give him some useful tips on navigating the treacherous ten-metre journey he makes from Tesco to his car when it’s dark and raining.

Captain Tom

Rounding off any wanker’s collection is an untouched copy of Captain Tom’s memoirs, sat there only because it has something to do with the army and there’s a white man wearing a load of medals on the cover. If you make a passing remark about Britain’s bizarre sentimental obsession with World War Two, you’ll be called a traitor and smacked round the face with a hardback book.