The lights and other things you are now afraid to use

ENERGY prices have made even the most basic of appliances eye-wateringly expensive. Here are five things you are now afraid to use:

The lights

Lights stop you from walking into the furniture, but they are also secretly rinsing you to the tune of hundreds of pounds. Save money by investing in an oil lamp, or train your eyes to see in the dark like a goblin. If that doesn’t work, try mastering echolocation. If it’s good enough for bats then it’s good enough for you.

The heating

Even in the days when money could buy you an acceptable standard of living you were cautious about putting the heating on. Now that prices have gone up the idea of attempting to live comfortably in your own home scares you shitless. And with good reason, as it’s f**king pricey.

The kettle

Enjoying a cup of tea or coffee at home used to be cheaper than going to a cafe. Now it’s more affordable to have a few rounds at Starbucks while stuffing cake into your face with jittery hands than to fire up the kettle. Expect the luxury of having a brew at home to be the latest bullshit reason people can’t afford housing deposits.

The TV

Yes, sadly even your best friend television has turned against you by upping its operating costs. At this rate you might be forced to pick up a book or go for a walk instead of being glued to repeats of Bargain Hunt and Taggart. Should it come down to a choice of eating or watching TV, try to remember that being bored isn’t as bad as being dead.

The dishwasher

Gone are the days where you could idly toss your dirty plates into the dishwasher without a care in the world. If only there were another, cheaper way of washing dishes. Sadly the only option is to clean them by hand, and there’s no way you’re returning to that miserable lifestyle, even if the only food you can afford to eat off them is stolen from a skip at the back of Iceland.

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'I love her but…' says woman about to issue brutal takedown of friend's entire personality

A WOMAN has earnestly expressed how much she loves one of her friends immediately before slagging off everything she says and does.

Lauren Hewitt went out for coffee with another friend for the express purpose of listing their mutual pal Sophie Rodriguez’s flaws, and then spent two hours analysing each of them exhaustively.

Lauren said: “Sophie is great. It’s just that she has terrible taste in men, dresses badly, ignores my advice, has a career I’m envious of and generally does stuff that means I have to rip her to shreds behind her back on a regular basis.

“But don’t get me wrong, at the end of the day, we’re really close friends. And that’s because of her many great qualities that I can’t think of right now, and not just because she’s always free to go for cocktails if everyone else is busy.”

Sophie Rodriguez said: “I love Lauren even though she can tend to be a bit critical of other people. In fact, she’s probably the biggest, bitterest bitch the world has ever seen.

“But it’s nice to have a friend who is more f**ked up than you.”