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Teen distressed to walk in on parents watching Bridgerton together

A TEENAGE boy was shocked and disgusted after walking in on his parents watching a racy scene in the new season of Bridgerton.

Having left his bedroom to get some crisps, Stephen Malley, aged 15, was stunned to open the sitting room door to his parents staring slack-jawed at a full HD scene of a randy viscount going down on a loudly enthusiastic woman.

Malley said: “I heard this frantic shrieking from the sitting room when I was coming downstairs and thought the cat must be having an aneurysm or something.

“But no, they were avidly watching a bunch of Regency perverts have it off. This is way out of character for them. I mean, they were basically watching porn – but porn that’s also a history lesson, so it’s boring.

“They didn’t even seem embarrassed. Why is doing it in period costumes fine but when dad finds ‘fur-suit threesome’ in the family PC’s internet search history he goes mental? It’s sick and they are hypocrites.”

Roy Malley said: “If he’s taken us watching Bridgerton this badly, we’ll maybe shelve our plans to come out as swingers.”

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Six things sold at the farmers' market that are f**k all to do with farms

EVERYONE loves an airy morning at the farmers’ market blowing a week’s wages on two items. But what the f**k have these got to do with farms?

Fudge

Whether your farmers’ market is in Cheshire, Islington or Glasgow, one thing’s for sure: you’re nowhere near a sugar cane plantation. There simply isn’t the climate. So that fudge, competitively priced at just £3.75 for a tiny, tiny bag, is as locally sourced as the Range Rover it’s sold from.

Booze

You’ve just had a free sample of a pleasant but disappointingly low-alcohol liqueur from a dizzyingly wide range. But in what way are they farmed? Are there goats being fed nothing but fermented plums and cinnamon then being milked into bottles?

Seafood

Ask the person at the stall if this lobster’s been farmed. ‘No,’ they’ll reply, aghast, ‘all our fish are caught wild by a small fleet of day boats on the Norfolk coast.’ Suggest if they’re so horrified by the very thought of farming perhaps they should f**k off somewhere else.

Cakes

Not farmed. Made of farmed produce but so are Pringles. No farmer is sowing rows with flour and sugar and then harvesting a bumper crop of vanilla slices come September. Nobody’s plucking old-fashioned treacle tarts from a vine. They’re made in an industrial kitchen in Kettering.

Coffee beans

To be fair these are from a farm, but not within a thousand miles of the market in Ipswich they’re being sold at. The person selling them is not their farmer. Travelling here from Vietnam to sell you the beans would not be remotely cost-effective, even at these prices.

Hand-crafted greetings cards

It’s hard to imagine a farmer even sending a greetings card. It just seems like spending your days mucking out pigs before sending them off to slaughter would tear away the illusions of life’s niceness that greetings cards are designed to maintain. It goes without saying they don’t f**king make them.

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