Low-paid workers to get speedboat tax relief

GEORGE Osborne will unveil a Budget tax incentive so low-paid workers can buy a speedboat.

The Chancellor’s tax bonanza will offer a 0.5 per cent rebate for any new vessel costing over £150,000 if it is bought outright from a government-approved supplier.

Osborne said: “This is about reinvigorating the country’s speedboat-building industry and encouraging responsible speedboat ownership amongst the poor.

“What could be more aspirational than whizzing along, with the wind in your hair, in between shifts at Asda?”

Tax on speedboat fuel is unlikely to change, with the Chancellor stressing he does not wish to create a ‘dependency on state handouts’.

Part-time Sports Direct worker Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve heard the Bayliner Antigua 500 is an absolute cracker. I’m so excited.”

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Moving to London not compulsory

MOVING to one of the world’s most expensive cities is not something you have to do, it has emerged.

Following growing concern about spiralling living costs in the capital, young people have been reminded that going to live in Dalston is not something totally necessary, like breathing or eating food.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “One of the best ways of tackling the housing crisis in London is by not going to live there.

“You may think it’s a glamorous escape from your humdrum provincial life, but it’s just full of people from your home town trying to escape from people like you.

“The ‘cool bits’ are just drab consumerist nightmares trading on the fact that edgy artists live there, but that was actually back in 1843 when painters were still addicted to laudanum.”

23-year-old graduate Nikki Hollis said: “The current London rate to rent sleeping space on a kitchen worktop is £1,000 per month plus agent’s fees. But I have to do it, I can’t risk not doing the thing the media tells me to do.

“My dream is to work for a magazine, writing columns about trying on sunglasses in vintage boutiques while feeling empty inside.”