Lowest possible acceptable amount donated to friend's fundraiser

THE smallest possible socially acceptable sum of money has been donated to a friend’s fundraiser, it has emerged.

Susan Traherne’s charity run in support of Cancer Research UK has been inundated with pitifully meagre donations from friends which would be rejected if they were gifted in any other context.

Friend Tom Booker said: “Donating to a mate’s fundraiser involves calculating how much I can afford to spare and how much I give a shit. The result is invariably a nice round fiver.

“Anything less than that is a pisstake, and anything more sets a costly precedent I’ll be forced to live up to in the future. Nobody is ever happy to receive a cash injection that can barely stretch to a pint, but they’re socially obliged not to appear disappointed by it either. It’s perfect.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Susan still owes me a drink, which I’ve factored into my donation. I’m sure she’ll be grateful for my generous support of £1.12 though.

“And considering she’s forced me to attend expensive hen dos and birthday parties, she should count herself lucky. I’m well within my rights to donate an invoice for a couple of hundred quid in order to balance the books.”

A Cancer Research UK spokesperson said: “We were relying on Susan to bankroll a breakthrough, but we’re 50 pence short and now we have to close down forever.”

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Woman on date fantasising about moment she ghosts him

A WOMAN on a first date is already fantasising about the moment she can ghost the man she has just met.

While giggling at Tom Logan’s jokes, Sophie Rodriguez is feverishly imagining the first time she ignores a text and keeps doing so until he eventually gets the message.

Rodriquez said: “As soon as he walked into the pub wearing skinny jeans and a deep v-neck sweater, I knew this was a man I was destined to ghost.

“He tried to kiss me on the lips and was rude to the bar staff, which immediately turned my thoughts to what it would be like to get a WhatsApp from him and not bother replying, even though he’d be able to see I was online.

“Then, as we sat down and he began talking about FIFA 23 and not asking me any questions, I got butterflies thinking about the wonderful moments to come, like texting my friends to say how awful he was and blocking his number.

“Ghosting someone feels amazing because they do all the work before eventually giving up and dumping themselves. It’s so convenient and efficient, like the rubbish taking itself out.”

Logan said: “She was totally into me. She hasn’t replied to any of my texts, but she’s clearly just playing hard to get, the saucy minx.”