Mail becomes cause of and solution to racism

THE Daily Mail has today launched a five year plan to prevent exactly as much racism as it creates.

In the wake of the Stephen Lawrence verdict the paper has realised that it can now have a completely neutral effect on British society.

Editor Paul Dacre said: “For every 100 stories about the terrifying brown-faced demons who stalk your town and the sickening number of DVDs they can hire every month from LoveFilm, we will run a photograph of one of Stephen Lawrence’s unconvicted killers with the word ‘murderer’ in huge capital letters.

“As long as I cannot be stopped then by 2017 Britain will be 50 per cent racist and 50 percent anti-racist. Our society will have achieved the perfect balance. I thank you.”

Philosophy consultant Julian Cook said: “The Daily Mail is the yin and the yang.

“It is fire and ice. It is the darkness and the light. It is an endless vortex of inseparable cause and effect for they are both truly one entity in the same conscious and infinite universe.

“What the bloody fuck is going on?”

But Mail reader Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “So if the overall effect of the Mail is now neutral then wouldn’t it be easier just to shut it down and stop wasting all those trees?”

It is understood that Mrs Archer’s photograph will be featured on the front page of the Daily Mail tomorrow under the headline ‘MURDERER!’.

Meanwhile, Britain is on tenterhooks as it waits for something called a ‘Rod Liddle’ to issue its nauseatingly weasel-worded justification for attacking the conviction of racist killers.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I have my deckchair, I have my bucket. Proceed.”


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Female MPs overlooked for promotion when they pose for GQ

WOMEN MPs who get all dolled-up and pose for men’s magazines are not taken seriously, experts have claimed.

The Institute for Studies found that female politicians who like to think they are sex symbols and spend their constituents’ valuable time looking sultry tend not to make the shortlist for parliamentary under-secretary at the department for work and pensions.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We spoke to a dozen cabinet ministers and they all said they wanted someone who could do the job competently and was politically astute rather than someone who would be spending much of the day being photographed holding a lollipop.

“They want someone who gives good Newsnight as opposed to someone whose inbox is full of questions from Zoo magazine about the strangest hole in which they have had sexual intercourse.”

The study was conducted after seven-out-of-ten Tory MP Louise Mensch told GQ: “What do I have to do to get promoted over here? Do I need to straddle this chair and make you think I would blow you?

“Every time there is a raft of PPS promotions and my name is not on them, I have to sit down and think, ‘should I be doing Playboy? Is that it?’.”

Brubaker added: “Government needs a diversity of talents. But does that include a politician who thinks the best way to propel herself into the ministerial ranks is to look sexually available in a glossy magazine for middle class self-abusers? Who knows?

“That said, all the cabinet ministers we spoke to did express an interest in having sex with Louise Mensch. Theresa May offered us money.”