Make drivers pay for fuel in advance and then get a f**king move on, says Britain

DRIVERS should pay for their fuel at the pump, fill up their cars and then get the hell out of there instead of pissing about for fucking ages, Britain has confirmed.

As police called for motorists to pay in advance to prevent fuel theft, millions of drivers stressed they are not bothered about that but do care enormously about selfish, time-wasting arseholes who sit there doing Christ knows what instead of just driving away.

Emma Bradford, who is waiting to use pump number seven at a Tesco in Hatfield, said: “Is this guy ordering his weekly shopping? Is he watching Netflix? What the fuck is going on?

“Hurry up. You bastard.”

Wayne Hayes, who is currently watching House of Cards next to pump number seven, said: “Putting petrol in a car is very stressful and tiring, so I like to take a bit of time afterwards.

“Forecourts are also nice, quiet places, so I can really concentrate on the multi-layered storylines and character development.”

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Relationship ends as man buys 'couples photo-shoot' for girlfriend's birthday

A 10-MONTH relationship has come to an abrupt end after a man bought his girlfriend a ‘couples photo shoot’ for her birthday.

Sarah Thomson broke the news to Tom Logan after he unveiled £350 gift last night, before wishing him all the best and showing him the door.

Logan said: “I was genuinely surprised because I’d found a photographer with a really classy website.”

Logan’s friend Nathan Muir added: “I feel guilty because when he announced it in the pub last Thursday, I should’ve suggested that he take her somewhere nice for the weekend instead.

“At the very least I should said something along the lines of ‘are you out of your fucking mind?’.”

Thomson said: “For future reference, gentleman of Britain, our relationship will not be better served by a picture of the two of us, under professional lighting with our hair done, posing like a couple of twats.

“Whatever gift you may be considering, the cash equivalent is always preferred.”