‘Making memories’ not always a good thing, Facebook idiots learn

IDIOTS on Facebook are beginning to realise that memories are not only made by happy occasions but painful and humiliating ones.

The statement ‘Well, we made some memories,’ usually employed after holidays or family get-togethers, has been proven to be just as accurate following bouts of herpes or arrests for shoplifting.

Keen Facebook user Mary Fisher said: “I sat down with a cuppa to page through some of the wonderful memories I’ve made this summer, like Dad’s 60th or that lovely day on Camber Sands.

“But instead I found myself remembering the kids having nits, being stuck in traffic for five hours on the A22 and that time our Shaun called me a stupid bitch in front of everyone when I sat on his iPad.

“It’s almost as if my memory indiscriminately records every aspect of my life, instead of being voice-activated by the phrase ‘making memories’.

“Yesterday, I stubbed my toe and dropped a box of wineglasses down the stairs, scattering shattered glass everywhere.

“As I cleaned it up I said ‘Well, making some memories.’ Except between ‘some’ and ‘memories’ I added ‘fucking’.”

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Lack of ‘Brexit effects’ proves Brexit hasn't happened yet

THE lack of any ‘Brexit effect’ in employment, the stock market and the wider UK economy proves that Brexit is yet to take place, say experts. 

Following new employment figures showing predicted post-Brexit job losses have not taken place, economists have said they are 98 per cent sure that Britain remains in the EU.

Dr Helen Archer of the LSE said: “The UK is currently showing the growth, rising employment and controlled inflation of what we term a ‘pre-Brexit’ economy.

“From this we conclude not that Brexit is going to be just fine and all the Remoaners need to shut their unpatriotic loser faces, but that Brexit has not happened and is not currently scheduled to happen.

“A comparison might be to saying the absence of an ‘iceberg effect’ mean the Titanic was perfectly fine to undersupply lifeboats, when in fact it simply had not hit the iceberg yet.”

Archer added: “Of course, if there are negative ‘Brexit effects’ following actual Brexit, I fully expect to be told that it is my fault for predicting them.

“Because that’s how this works.”