Man celebrates pay rise by choosing slightly more expensive version of everything for the rest of his life

A MAN is celebrating a pay rise by buying slightly more costly versions of the same boring things, it has been confirmed.

Wayne Hayes’s new-found position as ‘area sales manager’ will be reflected in changes to his lifestyle including adding avocado to his burrito when presented with the option, putting the expensive petrol in his car sometimes and buying pre-chopped carrots.

Hayes said: “There’s no way I’m wasting this on something like a once-in-a-lifetime holiday or a fancy car. That stuff’s for mugs.

“I’m spreading it nice and thin.”

To celebrate Hayes booked a meal at a slightly more expensive restaurant than he normally goes to, and got a taxi both ways.

He added: ”We went out to dinner last and had the third cheapest wine on the menu, instead of the second cheapest. I guess that’s just who I am now.

“I’ll also be enjoying Netflix in HD, and I’ve added movies to my satellite package. This must be basically what Branson feels like.”

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Couple leaving 'honeymoon phase' realise they have no friends left

A NEW couple just leaving the ‘honeymoon phase’ of their relationship are realising that they have no friends left.

The whirlwind romance between Nikki Hollis and Stephen Malley began two months ago, during which time they have managed to completely alienate everyone they know.

Hollis, 24, said: “It has been an unspeakably wonderful eight weeks – it felt a bit like being on drugs. But it’s starting to wear off now and I need to talk to someone who doesn’t refer to me as ‘my princess’.

“I’ve messaged all my mates but no one is getting back to me. I’m not sure why.”

She added: “It’s not like I ditched them, me and Paul were at Karen’s birthday a couple of weeks ago, although now I think about it, we did spend most of the night on our own in the corner, then we went and had sex in the disabled toilets.”

Malley said: “I’ve hit up my mates in our group chat, but it’s radio silence, which is weird.

“I know they don’t have a problem with Nikki, because I’ve brought her along to every night at the pub for weeks now. Maybe something is wrong with my phone.”

Malley remains unaware that his friends have migrated to a new group chat called Shut The F*ck Up, Love-Wankers, in which they shit-talk the nauseating couple on a daily basis.