Man cooks meat at barbecue but does sod all else

A MAN is cooking at a barbecue to avoid doing anything other than stand near hot meat drinking beer.

Wayne Hayes is busy ‘barbecuing’ while doing absolutely nothing else, even though he is mostly just staring at kebabs.

His girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “He told me he’d do the barbecue so I could relax.

 I’ve been to the supermarket, defrosted meat, chopped salad, poured drinks, fetched him stuff from the kitchen, seen to the guests, set the table and washed up.

“And what’s he done? Stood around prodding sausages like he’s Jamie fucking Oliver.

“Now everyone is banging on about what a great barbecue it was and he’s acting like he deserves a medal for making a few burgers hot.”

Wayne said: “I am bloody knackered now.”

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Ninety percent of socialising just people being loud

MOST social events are just people making loud noises at each other, experts have confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Human socialisation seems to centre around one key factor: volume. That is why people attend loud pubs, clubs, gigs, matches and other places they are encouraged to ‘make noise’.

“We found our test subjects were willing to pay hundreds of pounds for gig tickets just to scream over the music they claim they came to hear, under the guise of showing appreciation.

“Going out is rarely motivated by the company and conversation, but to have social permission to bellow and slap our hands together like morons.

“Is it a type of catharsis that everybody needs, or are most people just noisy idiots?”

Self-described ‘party animal’, Tom Logan said: “Hitting the club tonight. Gonna shout my head off till I lose my voice! Whoop whoop!”