Man discovers he is not qualified for unskilled labour

A 25-YEAR-OLD man was applying for a job as ‘unskilled labourer’ when he realised he did not meet the criteria.

Unemployed Tom Booker said: “I’ve never operated a wheelbarrow before, and even if I pick that up straight away I am not very strong.

“And I wouldn’t be overly keen on moving any pieces of wood that have nails in them because, well, who wants to get jabbed with a rusty nail.

“I could make the tea for them if they wanted. But I’m not really a tea drinker myself though so I’d probably have to google the best way of making it before I made them any.

“I’ve got a film studies degree but that’s not really going to help anyone with anything.”

Booker has since started googling ‘sub-unskilled work’ and ‘non-jobs’.

He added: “It’s no big deal. The zombie script I’m working on is bound to get picked up by a film company pretty soon, so then I’ll be sorted.”

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Public deliberately misled on whether cars can make you cool

MOTOR manufacturers deliberately misled consumers into believing car purchase could make them cool, it has emerged.

Industry regulators highlighted television adverts with dance music, stunt driving and sexy, stubbly actors as examples of how manufacturers create the false impression that their products could make buyers cooler.

Consumer affairs expert Nikki Hollis said: “The motor industry has thrown up a smokescreen of cool around what is essentially a rocket-powered bucket for getting your fat arse from work to home via the supermarket.

“A person with a fancy new car is the same as a person with a fancy new fridge – just their old self, but with an expensive trinket that makes them look a bit insecure.”

Hollis highlighted so-called ‘supercars’ as an example of how buyers are being misled.

“Old wizened millionaires line up to buy these things, but the futuristic design just makes them look even more ancient, like Davros from Doctor Who in his dalek cart thing.”

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “I spent sixty grand on a new Jag but I am no more like Daniel Craig than I was before.

“My piles haven’t magically healed up and sultry women still don’t invite me to come and have a shower with them.”

Car manufacturers now face legal action and possible advertising restrictions that could make them use Keith Chegwin in all their promotion materials.